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The 7 Guys You See When Swiping Through Tinder at Syracuse

Syracuse has a lot to offer, one of them being a wide array buffet-style of boys to choose from! Whether you opt for someone who loves to kiss a fish in his profile, or someone that can shotgun a beer out of that same fish’s gills, Syracuse has it all for the young romance seekers.

7.) The frat boy:

Flipping through his pictures is like looking through a J Crew catalogue—lots of pastel and white guilt. Maybe there are some pictures from a themed frat party, near the neon DJ’s sign, perhaps a reference to Fortnight (we think that’s what they are into nowadays). He will immediately ask for your Snapchat and get offended when you don’t give it to him right away. His bio is just his Greek letters. It’s almost like he’s using a fraternity as a way to mask his lack of personality and deep-seated communication issues streaming from his parents’ divorce. Oh wait…

6.) The redneck:

“Are you my cousin because you are looking hot tonight.” He understands what women want — pictures of dead animals. A big, dead fish or maybe a dead deer? Ooh la la. His dream date: He’ll pick you up in his pickup truck, you’ll listen to country music, drink a warm beer and go huntin’. Last time we checked, Syracuse was in New York, not fucking Georgia. If anything, he is a good reminder that upstate new york is gross and scary, he definitely has a gun.

5.) The “other school”:

Seems like a cutie, huh? He has all his teeth and carries his backpack on one shoulder, so you know he is cool. Hold on, wait a second. His shirt says “Go Acorns” — this mother fucker is an ESF student! Those sneaky, sneaky bastards! No way can an intelligent, orange woman of Syracuse University stoop to the level of an ESF student, or God forbid. An OCC student. My head is telling me left, but my heart is telling me right. You’ll swipe right, but you won’t be happy about it. What can we say, one strapping it is the ultimate panty dropper (fellas, take note).

4.) The dog “dad”:

Are you kidding? This is the most of his face you will see — every other picture is his dog. There is one of it at the park. One of it on the quad. One of it dressed up for Halloween. It’s cute, yeah, but like what does the man holding it look like? Unless Taylor is the dog and it’s his Tinder. Can you imagine that little pupper as a Syracuse student? Wearing a lil’ backpack (one strap of course, see previous paragraph), stressed about getting a job after graduation. OK, you know what, we’re gonna swipe right just for that visual. Side note: Do you think the dog is actually 3 and is 21 in dog years, or 21 in human years? Because that would be impressive (or even scarier). 

3.) The “real dad”:

AHHHHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT BABY. We still haven’t figured out how to do our laundry without melting the Tide Pod to my fucking clothes (we’re basically as helpless as that baby). Sometimes the bio will say something like “proud uncle” or “not my baby” which, phew, close call. But sometimes the bio doesn’t even address the baby, which is, hmm, a pretty big thing not to address. Respect, because it’s a very bold move. Maybe he is like a babysitter, or his parents had another kid when he was like 20? Who knows—no one really feels like swiping to find out.

2.) The old fogie:

Twenty-four years old, my ass! This guy is old as fuck, probably trying to find wife number two. Forget the guy with the baby—this guy has a 14-year-old and 11-year-old twins, and guess what? They already hate you. He puts Syracuse University in his bio, even though he was Class of 1993.

1.) The “which one are you???”:

Are you fucking kidding?? WHICH ONE ARE YOU?! You all look exactly the same, and this is his only picture. We’re wondering if this is a package deal — like maybe it’s supposed to be James’s, as in like plural, like they are all named James? A possible reverse Sister Wives situation, if you will: “Brother Husbands.”

So much romance and love to go around for us all! Dating is just so fun.

 

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