What up bro’s and hoes! It’s your favorite second semester freshman, Brad. In between failing my Intro to Psych class and AirDropping dick pics to unsuspecting girls, I’m a pretty busy guy. But, I always make time to go to DJ’s on the Hill on Friday night. You heard me: DJ’s. It’s the best bar on campus. You don’t believe me? Let me take you through my normal Friday night routine to prove it to you, idiots.
I start by rolling up to the bar 15 Svedka shots deep and then trip on those steep AF stairs. I see my life flash before my eyes, which makes me realize I have not fucked enough girls yet. This motivates me as I pick myself off the ground in front of the 6-foot, 200-pound bouncer. He takes a look at my fake Connecticut ID, shakes his head, and draws a huge X on my hand.
In case you’re a loser and have never been to DJ’s, the X means that you’re underage. Some might be discouraged by this, but for me it’s just another excuse to go to the bathroom and puke so I’m ready to pound more shots. Then I wash my hands so the X comes off with it.
I walk out of the bathroom and already see all the kids who live on my floor. Brewster 3, baby! This is going to be a good night.
Molly with the big tits is chugging a vodka soda across the room, so I shove my way through the crowd in order to ask her if she liked the dick pic I sent her the other day. She opened it and never responded. I’m almost there, but she’s already making out with another dude.
No big deal.
I try to get to the bar, but it’s way too packed. I take a straw to the fishbowl of the random girl next to me and just start chugging. She’s coughing up a lung and I realize that she might have the mumps, but that would mean I could get out of class for two weeks, so it’s a win-win situation.
I look down at the floor and realize that there’s water up to my ankles. It’s a motherfucking pool party, bitchezzzzzz.
I chug from a couple of other random peoples fishbowls and dance my Timbs off to the never-ending house music they’re playing. Suddenly it’s 1:30 a.m. and all the lights turn on. I just dance harder because the party never stops, bro!
Well, until my boy gets pushed and a huge fight breaks out. I get elbowed in the face and the bouncer throws us all out, but then I find that girl who may or may not have the mumps waiting for an Uber outside. I snag her Snapchat and of course immediately send her a dick pic. Then I get a lukewarm calzone from Calios, puke, and pass the fuck out in the DPS squad car that drives me home.
And that is how you do a night out at the best fucking bar on campus—DJ’s on the Hill!
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: