Otto to Enter Rehab As Finals Near
Otto the Orange, the mascot of Syracuse University, checked himself into rehab this past weekend.
Otto cited the rampant stress of finals week was getting to his soft, citrusy interior. “My schedule is ass,” the orange notes, as he is taking 19 credit hours. “I’m stuck in all these butt 400-level classes, How to Vitamin C The World 403, Peeling Back World Politics 411, Nutrition and Juicing 456, and Business Calc 323. Business Calc, man.”
The stress of 3-hour exams in each of those classes brought Otto to the bursting point, as he checked into DJ’s on the Hill for alcohol and stress eating rehabilitation.
The Black Sheep spoke to Dr. James Phake, the lead rehabilitator in the program. “Otto is in a dark place” Phake noted, and that “privacy and quiet was best as they weighed his options to get back out into the world of being the weirdest fucking mascot a school could have.”
Otto tweeted out some of the reasons why he felt the need to seek help, acknowledging that the constant pressure of being an icon got to him. “You can only take so many selfies with white girls before you start dreading it. I can’t go anywhere without being swarmed with Snapchats.”
He also noted that much of his youth was filled with bullying from fellow mascots, often being referred to as “a fruit” in school, and other demeaning yet somewhat logical things to call the orange blob.
Dr. Phake told us that they were looking at plastic surgery to help Otto with his body image, but his 100-inch hips just make it too much of a risk. “We don’t want to slice him up like that, we aren’t sure the consequences of such an operation.”
In one of the saddest photos ever taken, Otto spent all of Saturday night searching for a house party on Euclid, looking for something to do to avoid studying for his tests. He was, reportedly, the only person (or fruit? We don’t fucking know) on the street that night.