Syracuse University dorms are shit. You share a 2-by-2 space with someone that you hate, there’s always puke in the communal showers, and there is no way you can have sex in that bed that’s made for a pre-teen. Junior year rolls around and finally you can live off-campus. NEWS ALERT: We’ve just received breaking news that living off campus sucks even more than living on campus. Yes, you heard right. Here are five reasons to stay in the dorms and avoid the stress of living in that shitty house on Ackerman.
5.) You’ll have a kitchen:
“No more dining hall!” you say, as you look at your tiny kitchen that hasn’t been updated since the 1960s. You and your roommates take your first trip to Wegman’s and you accidentally spend $100 because groceries are damn expensive. You cook your first meal and it tastes worse than the time Ernie served Irish Seitan stew. You only make pasta for the next four months and all your hopes and dreams of eating balanced meals have flown out the window.
4.) You’ll have a landlord:
Your landlord seems all nice and cool when your signing his contract until you actually move into the house and suddenly the mold in the shower that’s been there before you were even born is your fault. These guys won’t pick up your phone calls when your house is on fire, but you bet they’ll be harassing you for your way too expensive rent check when it’s a day late. Do yourself a favor and just accept that your laundry machine only works when you kick it five times cause it’s not worth getting your landlord involved.
3.) You’ll have 10 roommates:
No more random roommates for you! Now you’re living with all your best friends, and it’s like one big happy family. Well, that is, until one of them leaves their dishes in the sink for three weeks and another one never takes out the trash and there’s a glob of hair in the shower that kind of looks like the Loch Ness monster. Suddenly your house feels like a prison and all of your roommates’ passive aggressively hate each other.
2.) You’ll have a 20-minute walk to campus:
Gone are the days of just rolling out of your bed in Watson at 9:20 and getting to your class at Hall of Languages at 9:30. Now, you’ve got a solid 15-20 minute walk to anywhere on campus and that doesn’t include when it’s snowing. Think about all those times you were drunk on Marshall Street and were just a hop, skip, and a jump away from your loving bed! Now you have to take a three-minute Uber ride for $20 just so you make it home in one piece.
1.) You’ll have the opportunity to get robbed:
You were safe in the dorm. You constantly had protection in the dorm. The only thing you had to worry about in the dorms was your weird roommate stealing your toothbrush. All these armed robberies take place OFF campus. You’re strolling home after your 9 p.m. class ready to eat pasta for the fifth night in a row and suddenly your laptop, wallet, and econ textbook are stolen. They’ll never find the guys and you’ll never get your stuff back so now you can constantly live in fear for the rest of your time at this wonderful university.
Do yourselves a favor and just stay in the damn dorms.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: