With the recent uproar that blessed our inboxes this past Tuesday, it seems that we all got a bit overwhelmed with all the opportunity that accompanies having access to an entire university via one listserv. In the event this phenomenon happens again, which is probably scheduled again in ansother six months, The Black Sheep has compiled a comprehensive guide of potential email thread responses, so you can (hopefully!) contribute to a nail-biting, nerve-wracking and passionate conversation amongst the entire student body.
10.) Tell everyone to “stop hitting reply all”:
A fool proof plan that works every time. A god damn trailblazer, your specific email will do exactly that. Thank you for being such a fearless pioneer in the movement to get everyone to learn how to use Microsoft Outlook.
9.) Quote Bee Movie:
Because that hasn’t been overdone yet.
8.) Start a cult:
Just a shot in the dark. When else will you have access to this large of a highly-impressionable and ignorant group of young adults to directly distribute your manifesto to? Take advantage of this opportunity to recruit a likely bizarre but significant following.
7.) Ask everyone to weigh in on global warming:
Get millennials going by starting an argument over the century-scale rise in the average temperature of the Earth’s climate system. “It’s been below zero for six weeks, Erica—global warming my ass!”
6.) Let everyone know you’re in Newhouse:
What the hell are you waiting for? Shout it from the virtual rooftops. Announce that you are a Newhouse student for the eighth time today before you go into cardiac arrest.
5.) Lie that you’re in Newhouse:
Are you a CRS major? Art history? Jewelry making? Seize the moment to dispel all rumors and do what you usually do. Lie through your damn teeth.
4.) Send some malware:
Step the fuck up iSchool. Pretty sure this is in Week 1 of the IST 195 syllabus. Silence the parasites for good by sending their hard drives into a frenzy and crashing their Macbook Airs. That’ll teach ‘em.
3.) Share photos of your dog:
Nothing makes an 18 to 22-year-old female halt all functioning like seeing a dog around campus. Take down 54% of campus operations by blasting everyone’s inboxes with pictures of your goodest boy.
2.) Attach the nudes of those who wronged you:
Maybe not the best idea, but something to work with.
1.) Come out as a conservative:
Blasphemy! This comes in as undoubtedly the best way to stir the pot on a chain mail thread. Incite an uproar by asking your peers to stop shoving partisan politics down your throat. You’re basically asking to be publicly shamed by 22,000 people at once, but hey, it will give us something to talk about. Go ahead—all fourteen of you right-wingers can band together and come out of the shameful closet you live in. It will more than likely get you expelled and/or an interview with The Daily Orange.
In conclusion, when you are forced to live in a place as painful as upstate New York, create your own entertainment at all costs.
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