JUULing has erupted as the newest fad among millennials, and has become an especially popular past time for students at SU. Whether you hit the JUUL recreationally, on an everyday basis, or in between each and every breath, it truly says a lot about your character. After careful investigation of loyal JUUL-ers, The Black Sheep has decided to judge you depending on what flavor JUUL you’re smoking.
You’re an average Joe. You put on a front, but everyone knows you’ve got a soft spot. Smoking cigarettes is so 2016, and to kick that nasty habit, you picked up JUULing instead. A generous JUUL-er, you take puff-puff-pass to a new plateau. Chivalry is not dead, ladies and gentleman! You allow all girls take a hit of mango in hopes that one of them will fall in love with you. You take girls back to your shitty apartment in The Cage where pillow talk consists of taking alternating hits of the JUUL. Ah, modern day romance! Just a Romeo looking for his Juuliet.
You’re not even a matriculated student. You go to ESF, but God forbid anyone finds out. You believe this “flavor” is the most sustainable, and think smoking a JUUL with no taste somehow makes it more respectable. Are these pods recyclable? You discuss plans of a solar-powered JUUL in the back of Café Kubal while sipping on something with soy milk in it. You ride a bike to class and wear a helmet although you spend majority of your conscious breaths inhaling carcinogens. Also, you lost your JUUL getting abducted on your walk through Thornden Park once.
4.) Crème Brulee:
You’re an obnoxious TRF major. You claim Christopher Nolan is your godfather, and you hit the JUUL while waiting for your Chicken Pesto Panini in Food.com. You’ve mentioned that Pulp Fiction was the greatest film ever produced at least twice a day. Rules don’t apply to you. You JUUL in class for the same reason Newhouse professors bring their 8-foot dog to lecture: none. You’ve claimed you chose this flavor because you“like it.” Bullshit. What a pathetic way to go against the grain. You crave the head rush to numb the grueling pain of knowing your inevitable future consists of operating cameras for Onondaga Community College lacrosse games.
Ah, the greatest of them all. A triple E major in Whitman, your diet consists of JUUL and Jungle Juice. You show up to office hours charging your JUUL out of your laptop USB port. One time, a pod ran out mid-day, so you trekked all the way back up to Park Point and missed EEE 420. You wear Chubbies more often than any guy should, which is never. You dress in business casual five out of the seven days of the week, which are tastefully paired with dress shoes covered in frat-sludge. You’re perpetually hungover, and use the mint JUUL pod as an alternative for brushing your teeth after a rough Tuesday out on the town.
2.) Fruit Medley:
You’re probably, definitely a girl. You post Snapchat videos of JUULing to everyone on your contact list and your story to prove you’re just “one of the guys.” You take your JUUL to Happy Hour in a sad attempt to strike up a conversation with any boy willing to talk to you, and you’re typically found double-fisting a cranberry vodka and a Fruit Medley. You wish you had a third hand so you could record it. For the most part, you brag about the nicotine lightheadedness almost as much as you whine about being sooooo drunk. If this is your favorite flavor, stop while you’re ahead. Actually, don’t kid yourself—you’re already behind.
1.) Cool Cucumber:
The newest-rumored JUUL flavor. You’re a Bandier kid from the Upper East Side who claims to have smoked it already, but you boast that it’s “overrated.” You wear a bomber jacket and round glasses. Are they prescription? Fuck no.
There you have it. Really what it comes down to is you’re all lame, just different genres of lame.
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