If you thought that you were paying $63,000 a year to get a legitimate education then it’s time for a wake-up call. There are no jobs out there, people, so you might as well rip up your bachelor’s degree and accept that you’re probably going to be a highly-educated stay-at-home adult. You should probably start taking a cooking class or a wine class a little more seriously because:
5.) You’ll be able to cook a decent meal:
You can’t live on ramen noodles forever. Sure, as a 21-year-old you can eat as much sodium as you want. As the years pass on, you’re likely to develop high cholesterol. Not good. Worse? High-blood pressure, which could lead to a bevy of complications such as heart disease or diabetes. Just here to remind you of your depressing life ahead! Your cooking class can teach you how to make vegetables not taste like vomit and what a balanced meal actually looks like.
4.) You’ll understand what cooked meat is supposed to look like:
Everyone has given themselves food poisoning once. Or twice. Or 10 times. But, now you’ll finally understand how long chicken is supposed to bake for! Gone are the days of eating raw meat like you’re some sort of animal. Now you can enjoy some medium rare steak like a goddamn adult. Bone apple tea!
3.) You’ll know what a serving size actually is:
Contrary to popular belief, the entire box of pasta is not one serving size. Your cooking class will rudely show you how much your actually supposed to eat. Honestly it’s kind of depressing but so is becoming an adult.
2.) You’ll be able to order wine from a restaurant:
Don’t lie—you know absolutely nothing about wine. Every time you order a bottle of wine at a restaurant, it’s like playing Russian roulette. Don’t forget about the times when they force you to taste it in front of them and they ask what you think. What do they expect you to say? “Good?” Well, your wine appreciation class will prepare you for important moments just like these! Finally you can look at a wine list and at least recognize one wine and not look like such an uncultured swine.
1.) You can continue being an alcoholic:
You may not want to hear this, but you’re all alcoholics. You’re all probably thinking, “Oh no, I’m going to have to sober up in order to be a real adult.” The Black Sheep is here to assure you that you don’t. “One way to cover drinking a lot is to just, like, know a lot about wine,” someone in a movie once said, so as long as you sound reasonably fancy, you can drink as much wine as your alcoholic heart desires. Anytime someone asks if you’ve had a little too much champagne, you can hit back with the fact that champagne is only true champagne if it’s from Champagne, France.
Adulthood is hard and you probably won’t be finding an actual job so pay attention to your cooking and wine classes so you can attempt to succeed in something!