On February 5th, the New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons will battle for the Vince Lombardi trophy on the only Sunday of year when everyone pretends they’re a football fan. Syracuse football alum Dwight Freeney will proudly don the Atlanta Falcons’ colors and hit the turf, putting his communications degree to absolutely no use.
“I’m pretty stoked,” Dwight Freeney remarks, “All those professors that told me to study? I never studied. And look where I am now. And look where they are. In the stands. Watching me.”
Dwight Freeney, from Syracuse University, looks forward to the opportunity to show his alma mater just how grateful he is that they “didn’t notice” that he seemed to get a perfect score on every exam for four years. The kid who took Freeney’s exams will look on in awe as the veiny jock who couldn’t pass an eighth grader’s spelling test is cheered for as he prances around in $100 Nike socks on national television.
“Not gonna lie man, I’m pretty excited to show up everybody who told me that I’d never do anything in life. Newflash: I do something. It’s called sports,” sneers Freeney.
Wide receiver Mohamed Sanu adds, “I actually think we’re all using our communication degrees really well. Cuz like, coach says football is all about, like, communicating and stuff.”
Meanwhile, Dwight Freeney’s aerospace engineer “friend” is still gainfully unemployed.
When asked to comment on the fact that football players are just glorified, neckless delinquents, Dwight Freeney sighed, “I don’t know man, they probably hate me cuz they ain’t me,” to which his teammates erupted in cheers and fist bumps.
Naturally, Dwight Freeney and his worthless Communications Degree are now worth millions. When asked if he thought his preferential treatment at Syracuse was fair, Dwight Freeney says yes: “I was a football recruit, not some calculus major who came here to ‘learn stuff.’ Besides, my bank account
thinks it’s pretty fair.”