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5 Things Syracuse Tour Guides Wish They Could Tell Incoming Freshmen

Let’s be honest—the tour guides here are kind of full of shit. They want ‘Cuse to seem like the greatest place on earth so they can get that phat check, but here are a few of the things they won’t tell you and your parents when you tour.

5.) How often you cry in college (and the best places to do it):
College is hard, and shedding tears is just a part of the experience. We’ve cried on almost every floor of Bird (saving the fourth floor for finals this year). Our favorite place to have a good cry? The alley behind Marshall Square Mall. No one ever goes back there, and the air smells like Subway bread, which is very comforting.

4.) The scary DPS notifications we get:
It’s late at night, you hear your phone vibrate. Who could it be? A friend, your mom, perhaps your bae? Nope, just good ol’ DPS letting you know there was another armed robbery very close to where you live! Between the armed robberies, stabbings and all that shit with the guy breaking into the room in Haven, Syracuse has it all. If someone asks about campus safety on the tour, tour guides will most likely try to distract everyone with some fun ‘Cuse trivia. Nice try Shannon—no one cares the colors used to be pink and green, tell them about crime!

3.) The weather makes you want to die:
Maybe it’s just the vitamin D deficiency talking, but does this whole no-sun thing make anyone else want to curl up into a ball and die? Just us? People at other colleges are having parties outside, and wearing shorts! Remember those? We haven’t seen the sun since that one day it was warm in January. At this point, it’s just a distant memory. People who don’t believe in seasonal depression can kiss our ass, and then give us a hug because it is very real and we’re very fragile right now.

2.) You will never not be sick: 
Between The Great Mumps Outbreak of ‘17 and the horrific flu this semester, chances are you will get sick. Add that to the fact that you basically live on top of each other, abuse your body every weekend, and don’t sleep or eat properly and you’re basically asking for it. We’ve all come to terms with the consistent cough we’ve had since October. If you didn’t have some sort of illness for at least a third of freshman year, did you really go to Syracuse?

1.) Upstate New York is gross:
Syracuse University is amazing blah blah blah—you are still in upstate New York, which fucking sucks. People at other colleges have huge cities as their campuses, or ocean views. What do we have to offer? A big mall? The State Fair? Sometimes it’s hard to believe that we are so close to New York City. There is a neighborhood called Skunk Village (that’s not even a joke). Why would you chose to live here?

Even though they don’t tell you all this bad shit on tour, we’d still rather die than go to any other school.

 

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