If there’s one thing that the University of Tennessee is good at, it’s pandering to boys — after all, freshman orientation is 95% football highlight videos, 3% “Rocky Top” songs, and 2% Campus Police telling you not to drink. But, in an unprecedented move to target a younger audience, the university has called on the help of 10-year-old Tennessee boy Mikey Hayes. Mikey spent last weekend being led around campus, giving his immature opinion on what buildings should be named. Here are our favorites:
5.) H.S.S. becomes “ASS”:
“He-he…ass,” Mikey snickered. Like any 10-year-old child, he can’t resist a minor swear, although he did check to see if his parents were in earshot before making the declaration. Moreover, HSS — as Mikey points out — smells funny. Just like an ass.
4.) Haslam School of Business becomes “Business Castle”:
From the slanted roofs, to the classic brick, the impeccable molding, and the absurd number of windows, something about this building just screamed “castle” to Mikey, who is just entering his knights and dragons phase. Mikey was really impressed by the banners on the light poles outside that displayed the buildings name; he told us that when he was older he also wanted banners with his name on them. Unfortunately, Mikey is not an heir to a service station fortune, so his chances of becoming governor are slim.
3.) Hodges Library becomes “Lego Brick Place”:
To be fair, the boxy Hodges Library does look like it was constructed with LEGOS, by someone of approximately Mikey’s age and skill set. We wanted to find out what else Mikey thought of this building, but he started talking about his Han Solo Lego set, and then he started talking about Star Wars, and you know how that goes.
2.) McClung Tower becomes “Sad Robot”:
We didn’t see the connection immediately, but Mikey was kind enough to illustrate this photograph, pointing out that the McClung Tower does resemble the torso and head of the world’s saddest robot. When Mikey was informed that McClung Tower is exclusively used for students to visit their teacher’s office hours the day before exams, he seemed…well, he seemed uninterested. You’ll learn one day, buddy.
1.) Ayres becomes “Shut Up!”:
By this time in his campus tour, Mikey had sugar crashed and was fairly uncooperative. Although, to be fair, it was another day of record heat, and if temperatures keep rising, UT (and the earth) might be gone before Mikey even reaches college age. So, really, who even cares what the buildings are called?