It’s hot, y’all. Volunteer Country is experiencing one of the worst heat waves in years this summer, right in the nick of time for move-in time. But just as the old adage goes: “Vols help Vols.” So here’s your go-to guide for the top 5 ways to beat the heat for move-in weekend:
5.) Exploit Your Roommate, Jeff, Before You’ve Met Him:
Sometimes “conveniently” being the last roommate to show up on move-in day is the best thing you can do. But another old adage to follow here: “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” Move your stuff in at the crack of dawn with your parents Caroline and Justin, get everything situated, and when Jeff, your roommate, shows up hours later, don’t help. Was he there to help you move that futon that he swears you needed up to the tenth floor of Reese? Nope. You’ll feel cool when you’re sitting back, enjoying a chilled tall boy, and watching Jeff and his parents struggle to get his twelve vintage lava lamps, guitar, record player, and collection of Beatles’ albums into the elevator. Be the jerk. Own it.
4.) Fake an Injury:
Say you banish Caroline and Justin from your room, and you’re left to move in the rest of your shit. Who is going to let you struggle to move a couch by yourself if you have a neck brace? No one, that’s the answer. It’s sort of like playing the guilt and trump card at the same time and caution to those who use it: it must be used sparingly. Things will get awkward when you see your move-in helpers later in the week sans neck brace.
3.) I Scream, You Scream:
Bet you thought this was going to be an ice cream reference. Nope. Heat is caused by built up stress and guilt, and that’s a fact. Name a better reason to sweat in shame than being surrounded by your parents Caroline and Justin, who will not stop recommending places to put your laundry hamper, further impeding on your future dwelling of sin and regret. Let out a series of hearty screams as you’re making your way back down the stairs for the umpteenth time, and remember: the more your voice cracks, the better it is for your health.
2.) Further Exploit Jeff to Get Free Stuff:
What better way to cool off that distract yourself with the promise of free swag from bunch of new clubs who all want your attention? The more attention you give them = the more free stuff you get = the cooler you feel. But who has time to be on the Poultry Science Club’s mailing list? Assume Jeff’s identity and sign him up to bring food to their next meeting. Sure, he’ll be confused as to how he ended up on everyone’s mailing list, and why Susan from the Future Accountants of America is yelling to him about a sausage casserole, but the half-hour break from the hellish weather is well worth it.
1.) Christen Your New Digs:
You finally got everything moved in to your future home for the next year! It was a hot, sweaty mess of crying and screaming at Caroline to stop putting your Nirvana posters on the wall in a way that messes up the feng shui of your dorm palace. You finally kicked your parents out, and you’re alone with Jeff for the first time. Sit down, explain to Jeff your prepared statement of likes and dislikes about his furniture and establish a curfew for good measure. You’ve been a douchebag so far—why stop now?