In light of recent events involving UT football, The Black Sheep think that it’s probably time for some comic relief. Here’s the run-down on the different people you see in the cathedral that is Neyland Stadium on any given Saturday in the fall.
5.) The alumni who are way too drunk:
UT football games are the hub for all those unsuccessful alumni everyone forgot about who are trying to relive their glory days. No matter what game you’re at, you can be sure to see at least a couple dozen guys in their early thirties trying to turn up in the student section. In their too-tight khaki shorts and Volshop polos, you know they shaved twice this morning in an attempt to look 20. They’re never the alumni you actually want to see, but they sure seem glad to see you.
4.) Middle-aged women in orange dresses and cowboy boots:
This is the unfortunate result of older women trying to look like 20-something sorority girls. For every college girl in a sun dress there are three upper-class moms dressed the same way. They’re the forty-something soccer moms who dropped their kids off at their ex-husband’s house before the game. Their sun-damaged skin isn’t quite working well with the orange, and you can be sure those cowboy boots have booze in them, even though the wearer could legally bring in as much beer as they want. It’s about the nostalgia, man. Don’t rain on their parade; it’s their day off.
3.) Uncomfortable loner/designated driver:
With every group of friends there’s the DUFF. Well, with every group of Vols there’s the ULDD (if you don’t think that’s catchy, screw you). This is the friend who really didn’t want to go to the game because she has a paper due Monday. Maybe she made an arrangement at the beginning of the year to only have to go to the Florida game, but circumstances ensued and she finds herself dragged to an Oklahoma game. She stands awkwardly outside of the group and avoids eye contact and any form of cheering. She will end up being at least twelve people’s DDs. You the real MVP, random sober girl.
2.) Parents who paint their children in orange:
We can all agree there aren’t nearly enough opportunities to parade children around in war paint. To an outsider this may seem like disturbing indoctrination of youths, but to a true Vol this is simply a way of fostering a child’s true potential. Vol for life from the beginning of life.
1.) That one guy who harasses the band:
Covering a larger group than the specific intoxicated alumni, this guy is the asshole who yells at the band to play Rocky Top seventy-five times. At first you cheer with him – yeah man Rocky Top is awesome. As the game wears on though, in about the third quarter you start to get aggravated, when you realize that for every time he yells for the Pride to play Rocky Top they play something else. Finally, once the Vols start to lose, he attacks the drum major only to be escorted out in cuffs. And what could be more satisfying than seeing a drunk jackass get arrested?
With football season in full swing, it’s about time we give these real American heroes the credit they deserve. Soldiers fight wars, but fans win games. We couldn’t have drunkenly done it without ‘em.