Haven’t you seen? It’s football time in Tennessee, y’all. Unless you have literally been living under a Tennessee-sized rock, the Vols took Georgia Tech into OT on Monday and fans need not look to the football gods this Saturday for any help with a win (it’s Indiana State … c’mon).
Odds are, you probably don’t have a ticket. Good news for you! We’ve come up with five steps on what to do besides cheering on your Vols in Neyland:
5.) Get Sloshed:
Listen, making it to the game is not always the easiest thing to do. Between all the tailgating, day drinking, and the general lack of food around for morning games, it’s super easy to get too trashed and pass out on the nearest surface, flat or not. It doesn’t matter whether that’s a couch in Frat Park or a table in the Student Union. Getting to Neyland is hard enough, and everyone will just kind of laugh if you tell them that you didn’t make it to the game so get as sloppy as you want. Pro tip: if you want to make friends, don’t throw up on anyone in Neyland.
4.) Find a New Family:
Maybe your family isn’t one of those that tries to come to every home football game. The good news for you is Circle Park is full of families that pay to tailgate there every weekend. Put on your melodramatic poor college kid act and get out there to befriend your new, drunk father. These tailgates are boujee as hell and overflowing with a bunch of overly-friendly drunk rich people. They have free food and TVs where they will be watching the game so, nudge, nudge, hint, hint.
3.) Get Into an Imaginary Fight:
Step 1: Find another guy or gal living on around you that got snubbed from UT’s random ticket matchmaking system. Step 2: Agree on a story where the two of you got into a fight during the middle of the game and got kicked out. Step 3: Have a sloppy, drunken makeup in front of your entire floor. Step 4: Become best friends. No one will know if it actually happened or not because of how ridiculous the details of this story were to begin with. When Volunteer football is happening, people are 90% more susceptible to bullshit. It’s a fact. Also, most people will probably be at the game, so they won’t care about your backstory.
2.) Gone Boating:
It’s Vol Navy time, boys. Tailgating and boating go together surprisingly well. Who knew that combining a bunch of drunk people and a river would work out so well? Just about everyone has a cousin or an uncle that’s out on the water every gameday, so find a friend or break out your master improv skills and pretend to be Martin (Jean on the BassMaster’s second-cousin twice removed). If it nets you free beer and a place to watch the game, then it is definitely worth it.
1) Visit The Rents:
God bless your parents for keeping up with your messy ass. If you feel like you’re missing out on all of the football fun this week without a ticket to the game, go home. It’s a good a time as any to visit your parents again. If the university is ruining your fun for the weekend, then pay it forward and ruin your parents fun, too. At least the food is (probably) good. Plus, it’ll be great hearing the life die from your father’s voice on the phone when you let him know you’re coming home. While they are right in the middle busy remodeling your room into a zen garden, no less!
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