The honeymoon phase is over at the University of Tennessee. We’ve all gotten acclimated, we’ve all had to buy those $100 online access codes, and now the real fun begins – the first exams. It’s enough to make a grown man cry, and no one wants cry in face view of their wasted roommate. Luckily, we’ve has found increasingly upscale accommodations i.e. the top places to cry at UT before your first exam:
6.) Under Neyland Stadium:
Ah, Neyland. It’s big, it’s bold, and it’s got a few skeletons in the closet. Yet, it’s also ripe with all sorts of little nooks and crannies, perfect places to shed a tear or cry a river. Sure, it may be a bit damp in some areas. Litter and the token used condom may make you a bit reluctant, but crying there, however, is an experience unlike any other. Add your tears to a place forged in the orange blood and sweat soaked history of Neyland.
5.) Boathouse by the Tennessee River:
Now we’re getting into the more exotic locales. Located on the great, big Tennessee River is the facility used by the rowing team. It has its own pier, a seldom-used walking trail, and a wonderful view of abandoned South Knoxville. The natural beauty of it all is enough to steal a tear from the most hardened of nature lovers. Yet, the river is there, and that may be enough to make you stop crying. If not, add your own offering to the river in tears. It won’t mind.
4.) Hess Hall Piano Room:
Interior locations don’t have to be so bad, and when you’re on the verge of crying, you really don’t have much of a choice. If you’re in Hess Hall anytime soon, you’re in luck. There, beyond the desk of the perpetually bored RAs, you’ll discover the discrete piano room. Play a somber tune, bash the keys – who cares if people are waiting in the lobby? You’ll drive them out, and then, you have the perfect atmosphere for crying. Play this in particular for dramatic effect.
3.) HSS Lactation Room:
We’re #3 in the top places to cry at UT now, which means it’s all on the line. Blood, sweat, tears, and – mother’s milk – are the stuff that legends are made from. Well, maybe just the fourth one applies to our next location. Walking down the halls of HSS, you may find an interesting room meant for breastfeeding. But you know what’s more important? Crying your damn eyes out! Go in there and make those lactating moms wait. Your tears are more important than those damn babies.
2.) UT Gardens:
Number 2 deserves a more poetic tone. In a world full of brick buildings and concrete jungles, it’s refreshing to see the fluttering moth, the buzzing bee, and of course, the weeping, rocking college student that hasn’t shaved in three weeks. On one hand, they’re disrupting the serenity of the place. On another, what they’re doing is completely natural. It’s all one giant painting, and that college student is just a “happy accident.” Well, he’s not quite so happy now, but you get the meaning.
1.) Ayers Bathrooms:
A freaking bathroom? Really? Well, very few bathrooms are composed of granite and marble, and even fewer have stalls with shutters on the doors. There’s no place for weirdos to crawl under the stall to disrupt your self-pity. There’s a noise-dampening throne that’s motion-activated, so feel free to pace back and forth while you pant for relief. This bathroom is technology at its finest; it’s perfect. Ayers is the bright, shining monument to the University of Tennessee – and your watering eyes.
Still crying? Shush, shush, come here, listen to our podcast.