It’s real, guys. 5 months after the announcement of Jimmy Cheek’s retirement, the university has begun the seemingly endless process of interviewing potential replacements. Reportedly, the university has reviewed 62 applicants — with all those people, there’s got to be some who would be qualified, right? While the university has made several of the applicants known, there’s still a lot of mystery surrounding the other candidates — here are 7 people that The Black Sheep believe would be right for the job.
7.) Peyton Manning:
What’s Peyton up to these days? Not much, right? He visits Knoxville frequently enough (and he has a street named after him), and he’s got the name recognition. But is he interested in the job? Probably not. Although, if he were to become Chancellor, he would be the first UT Chancellor to also be a spokesman for Papa Johns.
6.) Dave Ramsey:
If we’re looking to swap out one bland white dude with another, there’s not a lot of old white dudes more bland that money man Dave Ramsey. And surprise — he’s an alumni! Perhaps he could get the university back on track money wise by instituting a rule that all tuition money be set aside in marked envelopes.
5.) KellyAnne Conway:
Come Tuesday, Donald Trump’s campaign manager KellyAnne Conway will be out of a job. And, as she has made it clear, her stint as Trump’s manager was only a stepping stone. A stepping stone to what? Perhaps Chancellor of the University of Tennessee?! If she could pull media attention away from all the horrible things Donald Trump has said, perhaps she can pull negative media attention away from the university by blaming everything on Hillary Clinton.
4.) James Buchanan:
Nobel Prize winning economist James Buchanan is, believe it or not, a University of Tennessee alumnus. That means he’s smart! And yeah, at 97 he’s a little old, but that means we can probably get away with paying him less. And having a Nobel Prize winner as Chancellor might help us get into the Top 25 like Jimmy Cheek always wanted.
3.) Any Chicago Cubs Players:
If these guys can overcome a 109-year curse to win the World Series, then surely any member of the team is qualified to be Chancellor of the University of Tennessee. How hard can acting as Chancellor actually be? Certainly not as difficult as playing 162 games in an MLB season.
2.) Aileen Wuornos:
After you have killed 7 men, the menial tasks that acting as Chancellor requires must seem trivial, and that is why famed serial killer Aileen Wuornos would be perfect for the job as Chancellor. Moreover, she was the inspiration for the Charlize Theron movie Monster, and that’s pretty cool.
UPDATE: Aileen Wuornos is dead and thus would be unable to fulfill the duties of Chancellor.
1.) Jalen Hurd:
You knew this was coming, right? As you clicked on this article you probably thought, “Those jackasses are gonna find some way to make a Jalen Hurd joke,” right? Well, consider yourself vindicated, and consider this joke beaten into the ground. Now that Jalen Hurd no longer is on our football team, he has the free time to be Chancellor. There. You happy?