After Saturday’s disastrous Vanderbilt game, rumors have been circulating that Our Fearless Leader Butch Jones is going to leave, taking his meager talents elsewhere. Well, to him we say “good riddance.” The honeymoon period is over, and now we can see Butch Jones for who he truly is – a highly overpaid man who has no idea what he is doing. Adios, Butch Jones; you won’t be missed. And here are 7 people just as qualified (if not more) to coach the Vols.
7.) Peyton Manning:
Let’s just get this out of the way. Peyton Manning would obviously be a much better choice for coach than Butch Jones. There’s no competition – it’s like comparing a beautifully prepared steak and something from Guy Fieri’s gross kitchen. No contest. So please, Peyton Manning, come back from whatever Papa John’s spirit quest you’re on and lead the Vols to victory.
6.) Jimmy Cheek:
Who knows how to better lead Vols than your-friend-and-mine Jimmy Cheek? Come March he’ll be out of a job. And if there’s one thing that Jimmy Cheek can do well, it’s taking flack for something that he isn’t responsible for. If he is used to having everything wrong on campus blamed on him, taking responsibility for a terrible football team would be a walk in the park.
5.) Barack Obama:
Speaking of people who will soon be unemployed, what’s the 44th President of the United States doing next fall? Hopefully, he’ll be coaching the Volunteers. If he can bring the Volunteers back from a losing streak like he brought America back from the recession, then he’d be a perfect fit.
4.) A Lava Lamp:
You know who wouldn’t let the Volunteers lose to the Commodores? That’s right, a lava lamp. If a lava lamp were coaching the Vols this past weekend, you can be damn sure that we wouldn’t have lost to the unranked Commodores. Plus, lava lamps come in a variety of colors and typically don’t require an annual salary.
3.) Jalen Hurd:
Aren’t Jalen Hurd jokes played out? Probably. But, in any case, UT’s Public Enemy #2 Jalen Hurd would almost certainly be an upgrade from UT’s Public Enemy #1, Butch Jones. That is assuming, of course, that Jalen doesn’t just drop the team (for the second time) the first chance he gets. And, uh, seeing Jalen Hurd attempt to regain the respect of his former teammates would be entertaining.
2.) A Bottle of Jack Daniel’s:
The only thing more “Tennessee” than Volunteer Football is Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey, which is why an inanimate bottle of whiskey is uniquely qualified to coach the Vols. Imagine this – you stroll into Neyland Stadium on game day, the crowd roaring. You scan the field – and your eyes stop on a bottle of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey, sitting on the sidelines with a headset on. At least, if Head Coach Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey loses a game, we could easily drink our sorrows away.
1.) American Sniper Chris Kyle:
Remember a year and a half ago, when America caught Chris Kyle Fever? Those were the good old days – days that we could return to if we let American Sniper Chris Kyle coach the Volunteers. And, if you ask him, Chris Kyle already has extensive experience “winning” in a stadium. As long as we identified the other team by racial slurs alone, Chris Kyle wouldn’t let death stop him from leading Volunteer Football to victory.
You went drinking, now you’re stuck pooping. How’s that going for ya?