Have you ever been walking down the Hill and come face to face with a large orientation group? Their prying eyes are trying to figure out who you are while you stand there with your mouth opening and closing like a fish. It’s an awkward exchange for all parties involved, and sometimes you just need a quick place to hide. No matter where you are on campus, follow this guide to find the best and most immediate hiding spot to avoid those terrifying orientation groups.
7.) The Torchbearer:
Torchbearing is something that can be done anywhere at anytime. New students don’t know where Circle Park is, so just find anything that you can and raise it in your right hand while standing completely still. Freshmen are like dinosaurs. They can’t detect immobile objects.
6.) Inside a washing machine at Fred Brown:
It’s a well-known fact that freshmen don’t do laundry. So as long as you hide in the laundry room, they will never be able to find you. Pop a squat in one of the washers, and wait for their voices to fade into the distance. Sure it may be a little cramped, but it’s still better than the feeling of getting trampled by an orientation group.
5.) The roof of Hodges:
Position yourself like a bird on the roof of the library. Let out a few hearty squawks and flap your arms like wings. Those freshies will never suspect a thing. Bonus points for throwing globs of yogurt off the roof to fully sell the act.
4.) A Startling Whirlwind of Opportunity:
No one, not even the most hardened of UT fans, knows what is going on with this statue or why only half of it lights up at night. It is one of UT’s great mysteries. So if you dangle yourself upside down from the interior of the statue, the new students will just assume that it was part of the artist’s intention and leave you alone. The first rule of modern art club is no one understands modern art club.
3.) The Rock:
The key to this trick is spray paint. Whenever you see an orientation group in the distance, you should spray paint your full body and hunch down like a rock. Keep a stony expression on your face. Do not let any emotion show. They may think that you are a street performer and throw money at you. Do not thank them. Put all the money towards more spray paint. Rinse and repeat.
2.) The One Stop approach:
There’s nothing scarier to UT students than their confusing and infuriating financial backers at One Stop Student Services. Will they take away your scholarships without warning, or make you stay on the phone for thirty minutes listening to broken hold music? Who knows. Put on your best business casual dress and fake name tag, and then go sit in a glass cubicle and play solitaire all day. No new students will bother you, guaranteed.
1.) Seal the deal:
This is by far the simplest approach, but it has potentially the greatest consequences. Step one: step on the seal. That’s it. Simple, right? Legend has it that if you step on the seal you won’t graduate on time. So standing on the seal will either make you look like a badass, or so dumb that you’re not worth talking to. Either way, it works with getting freshies to leave you the hell alone.
These are just some of the on-campus approaches that you can take in order to avoid those awkward stares from future students. We recommend that everyone have at least two of these ready at any given time. Use them wisely.
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