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6 Businesses We Need on UTK’s Strip By Next Fall

Are you looking for a great place to eat, shop, and hang out with random drunk people? The Strip is the place for you, as long as your idea of “shopping” means Walgreens. It’s a beautiful, vital microcosm of student life, but it needs a facelift. To bring new life to the Strip’s many abandoned buildings, here’s some top choices for some fresh establishments.

6.) The Strip…Club:
The name writes itself. What better way to get rid of finals tension than to drunkenly wonder into a UT-themed strip club? You can swear it was an accident in the morning. In the interest of supporting local artists, here’s a few stripper name ideas: Hot n’ Smokey, Big Orange, Femme Jones…you get the idea.

5.) Haunted abandoned Krystal’s attraction:
The only thing scarier than eating at Krystal’s might just be touring its creepy remains on the Strip. Hourly tours throughout the establishment would show where the “food” was once created (most likely in an underground chamber of horrors). The building already looks fucking horrifying, so little renovation is needed! See the ghosts of what was once student’s appetites.

4.) Kiffin Karate:
Are you still holding grudges? Do the words “Lane” or “Kiffin” make you uncomfortably angry? Boy, is this the business for you! All the practice dummies are exact replicas of everyone’s favorite Benedict Arnold himself. With enough support, maybe one day we could get the real one and break him like he broke Tennessee’s hearts.

3.) Gator Fight Club:
So, maybe karate is not your forte. Well, as long as the Strip is able to handle so many Volunteer enemies on one road, you can sit back and watch as fellow students and live alligators catch some hands. The odds for survival might not be great, but Vols aren’t exactly used to winning against Gators.

2.) 4Loko-R-Us:
While we continue to mourn the loss of the bankrupt (and actually pretty overrated) Toys-R-Us, it is time to find what is really “us” as a group: alcohol. It would be so much better if the long lines were just skippable. Insert 4Loko-R-Us, a store filled with the beverage of UT. Some may call it impossible, but others? They call it heavenly.

1.) Struggle Meals:
Sure, you could just buy a pack of ramen at one of the P.O.D. Markets, but wouldn’t you rather go for ambience? Struggle Meals would be the perfect restaurant for those who don’t have a bank account worthy of rap songs, but also don’t like the idea of starving. Signature dishes include Finals Falafel, the Champions of Life Chili, and for dessert, a Big Orange. Meals cost just about as much as the amount of dignity the customer still has. At least it’s better quality than Chipotle!

Know anyone at one of these schools?

UNC-Wilmington –$100 BOUNTY
University of Arizona — $300 BOUNTY!
Texas A&M Corpus Christi — $100 bounty!
Auburn — $100 bounty!
Penn State — $100 bounty!
Indiana — $100 bounty!
SUNY Oswego — $100 bounty!

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