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UT Unveils Butt-Chugging Alumni Wall

UT faculty have finally finished their latest construction project: a huge marble wall displaying the names of the greatest butt-chuggers who ever walked the pavement of the campus.

Joe DiPetro, the university’s current president, grinned from ear to ear as he explained his reasoning behind the monument. “We all know the effort that goes into consuming beer through your anus. It only seems fair that these brave men and women should be honored for their exceptional skill.”

The wall stretches down the entirety of the pedestrian walkway, with thousands of names being carved into the marble wall with plenty of room for more entries. Each entry has their record carved next to them, as a way to see who has the “highest score.”

To celebrate, many of the best who have graced the wall stopped in to show off and view their names. “I think it’s a tremendous honor,” said Edward Spiegel, a 40-year-old alumnus who currently works at a Ruby Tuesday’s. “If nothing else, my children and their children can come to this wall and see what I accomplished.”

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Many current students and recent graduates flooded the walkway to honor the greatest of the greats, including members of the frat Pi Kappa Alpha, who were suspended many years back for their classic butt-chugging hazing event. Now, the students who were once vilified are praised as heroes.

The stand out of the guests was 84-year-old Lee Kinanus, a graduate of the class of ’64. Wheeled around the wall by his grandson, Lee scanned the monument not for his name, but the name of a lost friend, Jack Mihoff.

“I remember one party that was the bee’s knees,” Kinanus said. “Me and Jack, we were about to graduate, so we decided to have one last crazy night. There I was, watching my best friend take the position and proceed to gulp down an entire keg with his rectum. I’ll never forget the look of determination on his face. And then, a month later, he was shipped off to fight in Vietnam, and that was the last I ever saw of him.”

Still, some people are not ecstatic about the wall. Norma Scauq, a philosophy major and self proclaimed “Smoke Master,” personally sees the wall as an affront to her craft. “I have been working for years on being able to sculpt my smoke into intricate designs, such as portraits of John C. Hodges and Robert Neyland, but do I get any praise? Nope. It all goes to a bunch of jackasses who just love shoving tubes down their pants.”

In protest, Norma and her friends plan on obscuring the entire wall in smoke and hotboxing as many buildings as possible.

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