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How Did Knoxville React to the Crazy Fucking Weather Last Week?

Many scientists agree that the weather is one of the main factors when it comes to strange, unnatural behavior, which sucks, since one of Knoxville’s key characteristics is its extremely sporadic weather. At this point, it’s almost a tourist draw with how extreme the weather shifts can be, but this last week has chalked it up to a whole other level. Let’s look at some of the stranger events that transpired during this week of crazy weather in Knoxville.

3.) The homeless sold off their coats and immediately begged for them back: 
When the weather turned for the better during last Thursday and Friday, many of the homeless slipped out of the colony under the bridge and sold all their coats in preparation for the coming warmth. When the temperatures slipped into the 20s, and many had no money to buy their coats back, many feared a riot might be in the works, with rumors of some of the more learned hobos pushing to declare their colony as a sovereign state. When asked about why she sold her coat, Holly Star, a homeless woman and former UT psychology major, said, “Do you think I got to be homeless by being good at long-term planning?”

2.) Several commuter students froze to death in their cars:
Let’s face it; one of the worst fates you can have as a student at UT is to be a commuter. There’s never any parking unless you get there at 7 a.m., forcing you to sleep in your car until classes start, and it’s always a pain to try and do extracurriculars or hang out with your on campus friends. Which is why it is sad but not surprising that, on Tuesday, several students were found frozen to death in their cars. One, in particular, had his parking pass in a death grip, refusing to release it. Several administrators responded to the tragedy with open laughter, with one going as far to say, “Let that be a warning to all who think they can skip out on dropping $10,000 on a broom closet you have to share.”

1.) Butch Jones claimed the weather was God retaliating to his firing:
While many believed the weather to be the effects of previous incidents or global warming, some went as far to blame the supernatural and even a higher power. “I knew it was coming,” piped Butch Jones, former head football coach at UTK, his whereabouts unknown. “I knew all of Knoxville would pay for the dirty hand they dealt me. Trust me when I say this. UT will be remembered as the new age Sodom and Gomorrah for its transgressions.” Butch Jones was later found on top of the Sunsphere, reading the cracks in some raccoon bones and, “attempting to call down a storm upon Jeremy Pruitt’s home.”

 

Like the weather, we get a little crazy sometimes. Listen up! 

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