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We Judge UT’s Crazy Street Preachers (Like They Judge You)

Life is a rich tapestry. That said, any tapestry has a couple loose threads. Many of those loose threads show up on Pedestrian Walkway to share their religious beliefs with the sleep-deprived, hungover masses. Many of these intrepid missionaries are just a loud flash in the pan, but some of them really make an impression on our memories (if not our religious beliefs). While UT has far too many preachers to cover in one list, we ranked the best and most memorable of them. It’s their turn to be judged.

6.) Shouty guy who hates leggings:
While he’s at the bottom of the list for style, this man gets points for conviction. The tenacity with which he opposes leggings is not quite admirable, but it’s certainly similar to the level of motivation against failing that UT students should aspire to. You’ve got to wonder what could happen to a man to make him tour college campuses to warn about the sinfulness of cozy fashion, though. Maybe he got mugged by a pack of preteen girls at a Forever 21?

5.) Elderly women who might actually be witches:
They’ve got long hair, hippie clothing, and jars of rosemary. It’s unclear exactly what religion they’re representing, so given their general appearance and vibe, witchcraft seems like the most valid option. While their aesthetic is very interesting, they get a lower ranking for being newcomers to the campus preaching scene. Their listing would probably improve if they gave a demonstration of the sorcery they almost definitely practice. Maybe they could give us another snow day?

4.) The hordes of well-dressed men with New Testaments:
Have you ever experienced the confusion and dread that comes with refusing a New Testament from a man dressed like an undertaker, only to be accosted by a nearly-identical man just around the corner? Every semester, this army of polite yet somehow eerie gentlemen floods UT’s campus. The only defense is to accept one New Testament and hold it out in front of you like a shield as you rush to your classes, repeating the ancient chant: “No thank you, I already have one!”

3.) The ladies in skirts with the pamphlets:
There’s not much to be said about these women. They get points for being unobtrusive and never directly telling anyone they’re going to Hell, although they sometimes seem like they’re judging silently. They’re probably the most frequent visitors to Pedestrian Walkway, but they don’t really make an impact. Where’s the pizzazz, pamphlet ladies?

2.) The bearded men with the existential crisis signs:
Do you want to have an existential crisis on your way to Philosophy 130? You’re in luck! These bearded, robed men sit down on Ped Walkway near HSS, holding handwritten signs with messages like “IS THERE LIFE AFTER DEATH?” and “IS ANYTHING RIGHT OR WRONG?” Just like the witch ladies, it’s unclear exactly what religion they’re members of. Whatever it is, they seem chill, and they get points for never yelling about women’s clothing items.

1.) The #BeAHoNoMo guy:
While he hasn’t been to campus nearly as often as some of the evangelicals on this list, #BeAHoNoMo guy gets points for a memorable entrance. There’s nothing like a sign that says “Ho” to make you momentarily pause on your way to class. But as long as the Fort and related locations still exist, the Vols as a community probably aren’t going to stop #Hoing. They will, however, continue to post pictures of guys like this on social media. And any attention is good attention when you’re a street preacher, right?

 

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