The Seven Hells of Jackson, Tennessee

author-pic at University of Tennessee  

Welcome to Jackson, the biggest city in West Tennessee that no one has ever heard of. The birthplace of the old adage: “we could go bowling, or we could hang ourselves.” A place where you spend your days lounging by your above ground pool, basking in the high crime rate and reflecting on these seven hells you’re bound to come across while living here.

7.) The Union Confusion:
Ever taken a moment to self-reflect on why Jackson is such a judgmental city? Well, think no more. It’s Union. Where else could you get a biology degree while refuting one of the five core concepts that it teaches? Rest easy knowing that your future doctor won’t disrespect your Christian values with evolutionary propaganda as you’re dying to a mutated strand of chicken pox.

6.) Slide and Ride:
With a name like Slide and Ride II, what could possibly go wrong? It’s Jackson’s premiere 18+ bar. Come and dance with your local mouth-breathing drug dealer as he uncomfortably hits on every girl in his groping radius. The worst part is knowing that there’s another Slide and Ride lurking out there somewhere.

5.) The Sonic:
You may be asking yourself who gets a ticket for loitering? Well, it’s not the Jehovah’s Witnesses who have to worry, but your local high schoolers. With Jackson’s super high crime rate, the best place for the police to pool their resources is obviously at the Sonic, where they can bust kids for revving their trucks too much.

4.) Casey Jones Thrillage:
A monument to an American legend must be cool, right? Casey Jones Village takes that notion and flips it on its head. What’s cooler than a train museum with a train store? Almost anything. The most rad part about it is that there’s a halfway rundown mini-golf course with water hazards and sand traps. All in all this place is best forgotten, just like the railway driver himself.  

3.) Family Fun Center:
This sketchy paradise stands as one of the few monuments of sin in good old J-town. It’s the quality kind of place where you have to lie to your parents about where you’re going just because they feel it’s unsafe. You wonder if it’s because of the kinds of people that frequent the bowling alley, but it’s actually just because they don’t want you to be a loser who roller-skates after two rounds of bowling. Thanks mom and dad.

2.) Vann Drive:
Potentially the most poorly devised road system in history. What the place lacks in any thought or planning, it totally makes up for in old drivers merging four lanes. The thought that all of this is probably because Walmart demanded the most centralized locations next to what has been labeled as the busiest Chick-Fil-A in the U.S. might drive a man mad.

1.) Miss Tennessee:
This circus pageant comes to Jackson once a year bringing a flock of outlanders with strange talents to compete for scholarship money. There’s dancers, singers, acrobats, trapeze-artists, and occasionally ventriloquists. With the same cheesy, overly excited announcers telling the same jokes every year, it’s in dire need of an official drinking game.

J-town has its shares of ups and downs, but these are by far the worst things that Jackson brings to the table. But it’s these imperfections that make Jackson the city that is so well loved. No matter how shitty your town might seem, it’s still home.