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The Top 10 Ways a Night on The Strip Goes Wrong

There are many ways to have a good night on The Strip. There’s also many ways for things to go horribly, horribly wrong. Let’s look at 10 of ‘em.

10.) The epic bar tab:
Though considered by some as an indicator of a good night on The Strip, the financially less-fortunate student will not soon forget a $200 bar tab from Half Barrel. Every package of ramen and every cup of tap water from the bathroom sink serves to remind these students of the dangers of leaving an open tab, then leaving the bar.

9.) Angry girlfriends or boyfriends:
Is it your fault that Hanna’s played “Turn Down for What” so loud that you couldn’t tell your cell phone was ringing? No. But the best way to start a hangover is waking up to a stream of text messages starting with “where r u?” and ending with “f*ck this I’m going home.”

8.) Being the guy who has to be carried:
If you’ve ever been this person, we hope for your friend’s sake that you’re a lightweight, both in terms of alcohol tolerance and body mass. A big body and tiny tolerance make for the worst kind of drunk.

7.) Getting towed:
Like vultures circling carrion, Knoxville towing companies survive by towing the cars of drunks from the parking lots and side streets surrounding The Strip. Remember to show these dicks your appreciation with an extended middle finger and look of pure contempt.

6.) Creepers:
Sometimes girls just want to dance. However, ladies, when planning a girls’ night out, remember to stay on the lookout for dancefloor creepers. These men can be identified by their seemingly casual navigation of the dance floor in an effort to get right behind you and grind their Levi’s against your Daisy Dukes.

5.) Getting banned from Cool Beans:
This is tough to do anywhere on The Strip, so hats off to anyone infamous enough to gain membership into this exclusive group of future commercial airline pilots and Jimmy John’s delivery drivers.

4.) Getting a DUI in the Krystal drive-thru:
Why did they build a second Krystal right next to the old one? They didn’t. You’re seeing doubles. We all love those delicious little burgers at 3a.m., but they aren’t worth a night in the county jail, two grand in court costs, and a visit to judicial affairs. But it’s a close call.

3.) Getting hit by a car:
The law states that “motorists must yield to any pedestrian in a designated crosswalk.” The guy who stumbled out of the Shell station and tried to cross over Cumberland states, “I can’t feel my legs.”

2.) Starting a fight at Cook-Out:
Do you hate it when someone eyeballs you in public? When you drink does it seem like everyone wants a piece of you? Then go home after the bars close and cook your own quesadillas. A burn from your stove will hurt a lot less than the five UT athletes who are about to gang stomp you in front of half the student body.

1.) Waking up in the drunk tank:
It doesn’t matter how you got there, what matters is how you’re getting out. Nothing mommy and daddy love more than a 4:00 a.m. phone call beginning with, “This is a collect call from the Knox County Jail. Press one to accept the charges.”

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