After two long weeks, the StairMaster on the ground floor of the University of Tennessee’s TRECS gym finally broke down and stopped working on Tuesday, February 28th.
A StairMaster representative commented, “We engineer these machines for longevity, but we never could have simulated the stress our machine recently experienced in Knoxville.” And, as one TRECS employee put it, “The girls…they wanted that spring break body…I’ve never seen anything like it.”
With Tennessee’s spring break less than two weeks away, an extraordinary number of female students found themselves in a state of last-minute panic, not sure if their physique would be impressive enough to “break necks and kill egos.” A TRECS Smoothie King cashier said, “The line for the StairMaster was out the front door for three straight days…I had to sleep on the bananas a few nights because I just couldn’t get out of the building.”
After finally getting through the long line and logging 30 minutes on the stairs, one girl was heard repeating the mantra, “If you want to look like the Kardashians, you have to train like the Kardashians.”
Local personal trainers were frustrated with the workout program of the stair-climbers, with one complaining, “I tried to get them to work out abs, biceps, triceps, pecs, shoulder, back, anything. But all they wanted was the stairs. All they care about are the glutes. It’s a disgrace.”
However, not everyone who witnessed the phenomenon was unhappy about it. Tennessee sophomore Kevin Gelp noted, “Yeah, I decided to skip class last week just to be here for these girls. I’m so proud of them for trying to better themselves, and I’m just glad I could be here to support them all.” When asked if he could identify any of the girls that had participated in the marathon StairMaster session, he confessed that he never actually learned any of their names.
A TRECS security officer reported, “I got a lot of complaints about some guy down in the cardio area, but all these other girls wouldn’t let me get him because they weren’t going to let me ‘cut to the front of the line.’ ”
The trainers tried to get their message out one more time, telling anyone who would listen, “TRECS has squat racks, a leg press, and a calf raise machine, you can still work out!” The only response came from a girl waving around plane tickets to Cancun, who said, “The StairMaster is dead and these are useless! I don’t have time for this right now!”
Alas, the magnificent run of the StairMaster has ended, at least for now. It’s highly unlikely the machine will be fixed before the break, which has surely crushed many dreams of chiseled physiques. Last year, the “dad bod” was all the rage. This year, at least in Knoxville, it seems the “mom bod” may be in vogue.
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