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No More Construction, and 5 Other UT Improvements We Deserve

It’s been a long year. We’re about to be done with a whole academic year of stress, roommate fights, over-drinking, and cumulative finals. Through it all, though, we’ve bled (and cried) orange. What do we deserve for our loyalty, besides maybe free tuition? Instead of filling out those instructor review forms they keep emailing us, we at The Black Sheep have put our studying-addled minds to an important problem: UT improvements we want by next year.

6.) A food-based evangelism policy:
No one really wants to be told they’re going to hell on their way to an 8 a.m., but we do stand free speech on this campus. A compromise: you can do your whole open-air preaching thing at UT, but only if you provide free food. Fire and brimstones would be a lot easier to swallow if they were accompanied by free chips and those tiny water bottles.

5.) Clone Smokey:
Technology has gone so far. If Barbra Streisand can clone her Yorkie, UT can replicate the city’s favorite hound. Next, they can reward outstanding students with their very own Smokey. Or they could just hand out non-cloned puppies to skip the ethical concerns. The operative phrase here is “free puppies.”

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4.) Free Netflix for all students:
Yeah, yeah, we know we’re here to “learn” or whatever. But Netflix really is a student necessity, whether you’re chilling or crying. Plus, those monthly subscriptions do add up. If UT could pay for that Butch Jones buyout, they can definitely sponsor our Breaking Bad rewatch marathons.

3.) Let’s get some escalators rolling:

We’re big on having a “healthy campus” or whatever, but wouldn’t it be cool if we got some mobile infrastructure going? An escalator up the Hill, a conveyor belt around Circle Park… the possibilities are endless. Sure, it wouldn’t be “practical”, but it would be a blessing. But before you embark on this new construction practice…

2.) Please just finish one thing:
Please. There’s so many things: the new dorms on the West Campus, the third dining hall, whatever’s going on at Volunteer Boulevard, the engineering building, Student Union 2: The Reckoning… all we want is for just one to get finished. We believe in you, Bev.

1.) Replace “A Startling Whirlwind of Opportunities”:
What does it mean? Who okayed it? What have we done to each other? What will we do? This whirlwind of questions was built in 2009, which makes sense; it could probably symbolize the rise and fall of late 00s Britney Spears. Wouldn’t it be cool if we replaced it with a student sculpture, or a tree, or a picture of a cool dog?

 

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