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5 Reasons We Think UT’s White Hall is Shutting Down Next Year

White Hall, one of UT’s newest dorms, will shut down for the 2018-2019 school year due to “defects either in the design or installation” of the bricks. NICE JOB VOLS. In what will be one of the school’s biggest fuck-ups since Butch Jones was hired in 2013, The Black Sheep would like to offer our talents to assist in UT’s investigation. We’ve lost a couple brain cells to Spring Break intoxication, but we still managed to scrape together at least nine collective I.Q. points for our think tank. Here’s a few possible reasons for UT’s most recent disaster.

5.) All the off-campus apartments are sabotaging UT’s housing:
Sure, only like 30% of upperclassmen live on campus. But what if that still was too many? Quarry Trail, the Commons, and whoever rents out houses in the Fort may have banded together in a nefarious scheme to sabotage one of UT’s newest halls, which has a slightly higher proportion of non-freshmen than many other dorms. What building will they attack next?! Hopefully, it’ll be Massey.

4.) UT’s chancellors are involved in a secret competition over who can destroy the most buildings:
Conspiracy theory time: there’s a top-secret competition between our past and present chancellors over who can destroy the most university buildings during their tenure. Maybe the sagging brickwork, crumbling foundation, and leaking pipes are all just a front, and this “temporary” shutdown will lead to a demolition… and a point for Bev.

3.) The weight of students’ existential crises was too much for the foundation:
Y’all in White Hall should have taken advantage of UT’s free counseling, because your metaphysical baggage might just be too much for your dorm’s poorly-laid foundation. Midterms, breakups, the awkwardness between you and your roommate…it adds up. However, if this theory holds true, the engineering building probably isn’t going to last much longer.

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2.) Someone is secretly stealing one brick per day:
Let’s be real—people steal all kinds of weird shit. Traffic cones, street signs, credit card numbers, nothing is sacred. So maybe someone has developed a hobby of removing a single brick each day, causing White Hall’s outer walls to slowly sag downwards.

1.) A curse placed by Butch Jones has been causing every single inconvenience on campus:
Judging by our last football season, Butch probably doesn’t have any magical powers of his own. But with that hefty buyout, he might just have the funds to hire a witch who has placed a curse on our campus. The constant construction? The busted water main? Jai Dee’s increased prices? Blame it on Butch. He’s jealous of our basketball team, so the whole university had to pay.

 

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