School is back in full swing on Rocky Top which means students’ stress levels are rising and liquor sales are booming. With all the distractions on campus, it can be hard to keep up (or care) about classes. Freak-outs are inevitable but bearable. The Black Sheep can make it easier with our guide to maneuvering one of the most difficult collegiate etiquette rules: how to send a mass email.
Never send out a mass email on game day (or the weekend at all for that matter). We’ll be too busy Vol-in’ hard to give a shit, so show some common courtesy and wait until Monday and to tell us how screwed you are.
If you’re using a fake excuse, at least make it good (none of that “I was sick” crap). Honor our good intentions of opening the dreaded mass email by regaling us with a story of your handicapped aunt who was hit by a motorcycle on Friday off Kingston Pike.
You are not allowed to send two mass emails in the same semester. It’s one thing to be “that guy,” it’s another to be just plain evil. It’s bad enough that they recently added a whole 3 more letters to our email addresses recently without you spamming up all of our @vols.utk.edu mailboxes.
No sending out mass emails until at least October. Any earlier is a pretty clear indication that you’re so SOL so early in the semester that not even the all-mighty and powerful Butch could help you.
Don’t try to make a joke out of it. No “hey guys! Missed class again…lol.” We’re your classmates, not your bffs. But in the true Volunteer spirit we’ll give it to ya straight if you lay it out straight.
On the other hand, don’t make your email a super-formal “dear madams and messieurs, I seem to have missed our lecture. Would anyone be so kind…” No. Then you’ll just be labeled as that pedantic asshole for the rest of the semester.
Be sure to mention the Big Orange Screw in your email – no one’s ever used that one before, and everyone will give you fake internet points for your originality. Couldn’t find parking? Blame the Screw.
When you go on Blackboard to send a mass email, make sure you click the box next to “all students” not “all users” –unless you want your prof to know that you “missed class because you just felt like it, lol.”
After you’ve exploited your classmates for all the help you can get, you can walk away with the sweet satisfaction of barely scraping by as you swear to yourself that you’ll never fall behind in a class like that again– which we all know has about the same value as when someone says “I’m never drinking before a Volunteer football game again.” But, after all, nothing embodies “Big Orange, Big Ideas” more than a plan to do as little work as possible all semester.