5 Excuses For When Your Straight Self Gets Caught on 4th Street

author-pic at Texas Austin  

Maybe you listened to the new Lorde album and you were secretly a really big fan, or perhaps you started questioning a few things after Lana Del Rey’s music from Lust for Life. Somehow you wandered away from the overcrowded, rowdy bars on 6th Street and ended up in new territory just two blocks away on 4th. Don’t worry, the music here is better, but for your friends won’t understand, here are 5 excuses you can use when someone catches you throwing ass to Ariana Grande.

5.) “Dude, I’m just looking for my cat.”:

Who knows where cats go when they’re not at home? It seems fully plausible that your feline friend may have found his or her way down to the most popping place in Austin. With any luck, your friends will have downed a few overpriced shots and they’ll forget that you’re not actually out here looking for that pussy, just an insatiable urge to get down to some Whitney Houston.

4.) “I’m really just here to enjoy the architectural marvels that are on 4th Street.”:

A sample dialogue to be used only with the boldest of hearts on the drunkest of friends:

You: Like, the buildings are so… like tall even though they’re old as hell?

Friend: Yeah, I guess?

You: And they have plumbing too!

Friend: What’s that?

You: Dude, the world is so cool.

3.) “If you really must know, I’m scouting out good local wedding locations.”:

If you’ve never explicitly told anyone that you would rather die before becoming a professional wedding planner, then boy, do we have the perfect excuse for you. 4th Street is full of great wedding locations just waiting to be found for that super-special day, like the alley where all the lightweight sorority girls who tried to go shot-for-shot with their gay best friend throw up right before they get their boyfriend to cum come out of the closet with their purse! Maybe try and get a few bucks for your new business endeavor, and grab a donut from Voodoo while you’re at it.

2.) “Wait, that’s Frost Tower? I thought it was heading towards the UT Tower!”:

A common mistake. During your late-night stroll to clear your mind, those damn tourist traps can all look the same nowadays, right? The key here is to not let on that you were actually drawn to 4th because you were hoping to engage in some heated but civil discourse on the Britney Spears/Christina Aguilera feud and its more recent incarnation, Taylor Swift/Katy Perry.

1.)To be honest, I watched an episode of Sex and the City and I’m wondering how the other side lives now.”:

It happens even to the best of us. Does Carrie really have that much fun downtown with her pet gays? What’s it like to witness a woman as sexually liberated as Samantha snatch up all the attention you wish was yours on the dance floor? Are you more Miranda or Charlotte? These were all pressing questions you needed to know, and yeah maybe they’re about as straight as you after lemon drop shots at Rain, but that’s totally okay.