Despite knowing what college is all about, your mom still believes you, her perfect angel, would never do anything to embarrass yourself, and more importantly, her, while you’re at college without her supervision. Obviously, you don’t want to let her down, but because she can’t see what you’re doing all the time, you’ve probably given up on keeping any shred of dignity. She believes you when you say that you never go out because you’re committed to achieving that 4.0. If she knew the things you’ve really been doing, she’d be disappointed. Here’s what she’d say if she saw what you did on Sixth Street last night.
6.) “When did I buy you that dress?!”:
Your sweet, innocent mother still thinks your annual school shopping day is the only time you buy clothes for the year. What she doesn’t know is that you have two different wardrobes, the mom approved one with high necklines and shapeless jeans, and the real one. The appropriate dress code for any night out is basically, make sure you wear the minimum amount of whatever lets you into a bar.
5.) “You did eat before you went out, right?”:
A responsible rule to a getting shit-faced on Sixth Street is to make sure you don’t down 5 drinks on an empty stomach. You know this because your mom reminds you all the time in her daily check-ins, but you want to get wasted quickly, so you purposely starved yourself in preparation for your night of shameful behavior.
4.) “If you don’t respect your body, no one else will”:
You respect the hell out of your body, that’s why you’re totally up for everyone seeing some part of it at some point. Whether you’re some frat guy who takes of their shirt cause it’s “hot” but you really want everyone to see your killer abs, or you’re some chick who knows you won’t have to spend a dime if you choose your outfit wisely. You know your body is fucking great so why not show it off?
3.) “I don’t think your friends are a good influence on you”:
Your mom approved of all your friends in high school, especially the ones who hung out at your house to do homework. What she doesn’t understand is that now, the friend you spend hours with in the library is the same one whose hair you hold back while they’re vomiting into the toilet.
2.) “I sent you to school to learn”:
All those hours of learning is what drove you to make-out with that old guy for free drinks. If anything, your mom is responsible for your regrettable choices. When you’re washing the smell of shame off of you the next day, it’s because your mom wanted you to learn.
1.) “You know, you can have fun without alcohol”:
Sure, mom. But, did you know you can have more fun with alcohol? What’s the point of dancing on tables and texting exes if you aren’t completely drunk while doing it? You can’t justify these questionable choices if you’re sober.
Your mom’s disapproval is inevitable. But, you only want her to be disappointed because she thinks you drank a little too much on a school night, not because you might have to get an STI test done at UT Health Services. Sometimes it’s just best if she doesn’t know about your life.