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6 Things That Will Happen Before Speedway Finishes

At this point, Speedway construction is still slowly trudging along the heart of campus like the men’s basketball team crawling toward an NIT berth (at best). It won’t finish for some time, so here are some things you can look forward to seeing before the last brick is laid at the Dean Keeton intersection:

6.) Texas wins a tournament game, just one. God I am begging you, please let me see the Horns make the Round of 32 just once before I graduate:
Last year may have been more of an outlier, a disappointing 11-22 season not even worthy of the lowly College Basketball Invitational. However, even in the years before then, Texas would pull a Marvin Lewis in the postseason, considering they’ve won just three tournament games in the past decade. At this rate, Texas gets just one measly postseason win between the time individual students attend orientation and graduate.

5.) Bevo has a son, who then usurps command as UT mascot via violent, but cute, coup d’état:
Bevo needs a son, so that he may pass on his lineage without conflict, despite his wife Cowtherine of Aragon’s infertility. In the eventual episode where Beevs does father an adorable calf of his own, it’s only natural for the youngin’ to resent authority, and thereby attack his father’s claim to the throne. With such a cute little insurrection bound to happen, it can’t be hard to see how most of the construction crews would drop everything and run toward the action to see who truly owns the 40 Acres.

4.) Bubble Buddy will finish:

That ol’ rascal Bubble Buddy spends such an agonizingly long time in the Port-O-Head that fellow patrons of the wait line are sent into a deepening madness that inaction and impatience boil over into antagonism; one patron is beset by such an excruciating torture from waiting so long that he feels no remorse in ripping the door open, possibly exposing the restroom’s user. By the time this occurs, construction crews will only be undertaking in the beginning stages of fencing off the RLM, a painful reminder that while beachgoers will one day enjoy the full features of the bathroom after Bubble Buddy’s displacement, UT students will never again so much as look down Speedway without seeing fences, cranes and construction workers.

3.) UT stans Secretary of State Rex Tillerson as its favorite alumnus, casting Matthew McConaughey off to the side:
Imagine this: it’s opening day of the 2018 football season, when the DKR scoreboard pans to a famous figure sitting in the box seats, and the crowd goes wild. Instead of the student section beating their chests and yelling “McConaughey!” everyone just kind of halfheartedly calls Donald Trump an idiot and then completely gives up on negotiations with North Korea after experiencing the slightest setback.

2.) Fenves raises the price of transcripts to $600,000:
Perhaps the most probable on this list, the idea of Fenves jacking up transcript prices on nothing more than an inclination seems almost too realistic. Even worse, this move will be passed off as something that helps the university, like paying for more Speedway construction teams, when in reality construction will continue to creep along at an agonizing pace.

1.) You meet someone from McCombs, and they’re actually a genuine, relatable person:
While most of the items on this list seem implausible at best, the idea of meeting a decent business major is a straight-up urban legend. If you absolutely have to make friends with a McCombs student, at least make sure they have hundreds of connections on LinkedIn so they can help you out somewhere.

If you’re graduating within the next couple of years, you’ll soon experience a reprieve from the never-ending hell of an unfinished Speedway, but if you’re an underclass student here at UT, you may never know the end of this nightmare. If you want to look at the bright side, at least these six intriguing events are sure to happen in the meantime.

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