Throughout the summer, wave after innumerable wave of incoming freshmen bombard campus, disrupting the normal flow of traffic and taking all the tables at whatever place you’re getting food. It’s time to take back campus from these hordes of eighteen-year-olds, and luckily The Black Sheep has you covered with plenty of ways to reclaim campus for its real students.
6.) Refer to them as freshmen, despite however many credit hours they claim:
They may technically hold enough credit hours by way of AP tests to qualify as sophomores, but that’s irrelevant. At one point, you were a freshman, your father was a freshman, and his father before him was a freshman. This punk who just placed out of two history courses will likewise be treated like the freshman maggot all Longhorn students initially are.
5.) Show them what college is really like by live streaming the six hours a day you spend in the PCL:
These young, naïve toddlers always come in believing college will just be filled with parties, trips to Sixth, and the general shenanigans associated with university life. However, they will soon realize what idiots they were once classes start and they spend all their free time studying and stressing over life. To get them acquainted with the rigors of UT, live stream a PCL session, full of stress, tears, and all the works.
4.) Pull the fire alarm so there’s space to eat:
One of the more annoying aspects of UT orientation, the incoming freshmen always make hotspots like the Union and JCL overcrowded feeding troughs, leaving the hardworking students like yourself without a table to sit at. Well, worry no more. All you have to do simply involves clandestinely pulling the fire alarm, thus sending the masses into a panicked scramble to exit. Once the dust settles, you will have your pick of table to sit down at and eat your Chick-fil-A.
3.) Register for every open class:
While orientation provides a time and space to teach incoming students the ropes of collegiate life, it also allows for these students to register for fall classes. One way to really screw with these guys would be to register for every available class so that none of these noobs get to enjoy the classes they want or need. Sure, a 2,000-hour semester sounds like hell, but you can just drop some classes before the deadline and get your money back.
2.) Clog every Jester toilet:
Another hallmark of orientation involves most students learning to share a dorm room together. While that can be stressful enough, imagine how bad living conditions would be if every dorm toilet were to be clogged beyond repair.
1.) Become an Orientation Advisor and go as slow as possible in the sign-in line:
The process to becoming an OA takes months of applications and training, but it will all come to fruition the moment you sit down behind the table in the Jester West hallway, taking names and passing out orientation info. By going at an agonizing pace, you can slow down the sign-in line to a standstill, inconveniencing parents and students alike while wasting their precious time. That’ll teach these freshies to infest your school.
Orientation can be a nuisance for the students already attending UT, so to stay sane it will be important to put these freshmen in their place. By adhering to the list above, making it through the summer just might be tolerable.