It’s Thursday night and your best buds are coming over to your 10×12 foot Jester dorm. Even that girl from your Intro to Psych Class said she might swing by if you had some booze. Some of your friends got together to buy some fakes but why waste money on something you don’t need? With these handy tips, you’ll be able to seem twenty-one like a natural.
7.) “If these kids looked up from their screens for once they might actually learn something!”:
Complain about social media and kids on their phones these days. Make sure to slightly mispronounce or put things in the wrong category. Say things like “If they would just look up from their Snapgrams and stop Facebooking. I mean read a real book am I right?” Bonus tip- say “I just don’t get selfies.”
6.) “I know from my postdoc in Neuroscience that I will become intoxicated (don’t say drunk) tonight if I drink all of this.”:
Talk about being a graduate student, masters student, post doc etc. or having already received those degrees. You’re already near UT so you’re likely to be surrounded by nerds anyways. Try borrowing your friends pair of prescription glasses for this one.
5.) Reference Y2K:
For this one you need a buddy. Pull up two of whatever you are buying and have him or her say “Why two?”, smirk and quickly respond with “Reminds me of Y2K” Quickly summarize what people thought would happen and share an anecdote about the day. There’s no way you weren’t at least like 7 in 2000 if you are telling some classic Y2K stories.
4.) “Wow, that was me back in my Sixth Street days”:
Look at other kids and reflect on old times. Make sure to watch the students walk out the door with their alcohol and continue to watch as the door closes. Only after the cashier has called for your attention do you let out a short laugh, slowly look over at them and say “some things never change.”
3.) “Yesterday… all my troubles seemed so far away”:
Start whistling an old song that no millennial would know. Any song from the Beatles, The Beach Boys, The Who, The Police, etc. Basically, any band that starts with “the” should do the trick here. If the cashier asks you what song it is, smirk at them and say “Ha! Must be before your time. That my friend is The Beatles. Back from a time when there was real music.”
2.) “UT has changed so much since when I went here”:
Talking about construction on campus is always a safe route since UT has been under construction since the beginning of time. Make vague references to buildings and complain loudly about how ever since Speedway became a walkway you can’t drive through campus to work.
1.) “Just put this picture of my kids in the wallet, what do you think, aren’t they wonderful?”:
Quickly pull out your wallet before prompted to and pause upon seeing the stock photo you found of three kids ages 1-8. One to two kids seem like a scam, more than four kids is not believable but 3 kids is the sweet spot. Okay maybe someone under twenty-one could have a kid but three kids AND a picture in the wallet? Only adults thirty-five and older would have all that.
If you execute these methods correctly and confidently, cashiers at corner stores all over West Campus won’t dare card someone as experienced in life as you. However, if these methods don’t work for you, you might have to join your friends in buying a fake.
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