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7 Things That Would be Better Than All These Goddamn Churches Around Campus

Do you ever walk by those churches right near campus on 21st towards Guad and be like fuck these churches? That’s some expensive ass, prime location land that churches hoard because they don’t have to pay taxes and big UT donors keep them afloat. Here are 7 things that would be way way way better than all these churches next to campus:

7.) McDonald’s:
Oh how we all miss the 2 a.m. Egg McMuffin and knowing no matter how poorly you did on that midterm that McNuggets were around the corner. Now imagine a McDonalds virtually on campus. You could literally leave class to go the bathroom and grab a happy meal. Fries on the way to class, a McFlurry on the way home. Okay maybe this wouldn’t be the best thing for your health but thats why its #7.

6.) Nothing:
Okay so nothing isn’t actually anything but nothing would be better than all those churches. At least we wouldn’t have to walk by those churches everyday on our way to classes and think of things things better than those churches.

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5.) More apartment buildings:
Oh my god, another highrise? But let’s be real here, a high rise is better than another church. Think about it, the more we have, the higher supply gets and the lower demand gets and that reduces the price. For all you non McCombs majors just know that more high rises mean cheaper rents.

4.) One of those places with a bunch of trampolines:
This is a wild card. One of those trampoline fun houses that you broke your arm at in 5th grade would be so much fun. Imagine getting plastered on a Monday night and then heading over to the trampoline place and then hurling only to repeat the process all over again. And it’s good cardio!

3.) Just a shitload of Birds:
There can never be too many Birds. Birds are the solution to a problem you didn’t know you had. Walking is hard and strenuous. We all know the feeling of turning the corner where you think there will be a Bird and seeing a barren wasteland, it hurts. The more Birds, the better the world will be.

2.) A strip club:
This idea is from an anonymous source that requested it be put on the list. He was quoted as saying “I’m the goddamn president of this University and what I say goes. If we cant have a goddam strip club next to campus to go to after a tough day at work then WHAT WAS THIS ALL FOR?!” He also suggested some names he came up with: Horny Hotties, Bevo’s Bitches, and Vince Young’s Strip Club.

1.) More Churches of Scientology and a 80 foot statue of L Ron Hubbard;
Okay this may sound contradictory but Scientology is actually really cool and the truth. For the cost of just ten transcripts, you can be told you’re a genius and during finals season don’t we all need that kind of encouragement? Anyone can join for the cost of only one semester’s tuition and your remaining sanity and Tom Cruise will call you to congratulate you afterwards.

Ultimately all these would be way better than having like 10 massive churches near campus that happen to be in super great locations. If you know any priests or pastors make sure to show them the potential of their wasted space.

 

 

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