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7 Things That Can Kill You at UT

Life as a college student is already difficult, but life as a Longhorn can be a little more dangerous than normal, here are some things that can get you killed at UT:

7.) Slipping on someone’s puke:
If you aren’t paying attention after a big party or don’t have enough practice, the minute you step out of the elevator you’re going to end up stepping in someone’s puke from the night before; if worse comes to worst you’re going to end up slipping on it and cracking your head open. At least you won’t have to pay tuition anymore?

6.) Realizing you’re a liberal arts major:
When you realize that you’re a liberal arts major, it’s a more of a dead on the inside feeling but dead nonetheless. All the work and studying you’re doing learning about women and gender studies is going to amount to almost nothing, everyone’s going to make sure to remind you of that, and on top of that get ready to be saddled with 4 years of student debt. And if you decide to go to law school to get a job where you earn above minimum wage, get ready for even more student debt.

5.) Getting bit by the Albino squirrel:
We all know someone who hasn’t been to class all semester, and now that they have an exam coming up, their only hope to seeing the albino squirrel. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and now you find yourself joining your friend on a hunt to find the albino squirrel. An animal being cornered is going to end up attacking, at least now neither of you can take your exams since you’re going to be getting treated for rabies or Lyme disease.

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4.) Dying from being at the PCL 24/7:
The PCL is the ideal place to learn the limits of the human body and answer interesting questions like “how long can I go without sleep before dying” and “how many layers of dead skin are on this chair”. Prepare to leave all thoughts of happiness and joy after spending just 5 minutes in that building filled with grime.

3.) Risking your life to see Matthew McConaughey
The most famous person to come out of UT is Matthew McConaughey, and unless “Advanced Producing: Script to Screen” is on your schedule you know you’re never going to be able to see him with your luck so the only thing you can do now is follow the faint echo of “alright, alright, alright” and hope you don’t get hit by a passing Lincoln

2.) Overdosing on cocaine
Wait, people do cocaine at UT?

1.) Getting hit by a bike
Worse than getting hit by a car or a moped, is the embarrassment that comes from being hit by a bike. What do you even tell people when they ask you what happened? I couldn’t move out of the way of something only going at 10 miles per hour? It’s better to just get hit by a car, at least then you can fulfill the dream every college student has of getting someone else to pay their tuition.

There are millions of ways to die, but these ways are exclusive to UT students. Be careful walking around campus or what starts here could be the end of you.

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