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Carry A Gallon of Water Everywhere You Go, And 6 Other Ways To Get Fit Before Spring Break Without Going To Greg

The time has come for finding ways to get fit for spring break. The time has also come for students to avoid getting fit because of the long, treacherous walk to Gregory Gym. It’s 2018, the excuse of laziness ends now. Here are 7 ways to get in shape this spring in the comfort of your own routine:

7.) Gastric Bypass Surgery:

All the celebrities are doing it these days. Well, not all, but possibly a few. This surgery will help you cut down weight in no time. And by no time I mean about 2-4 hours because that’s how long the surgery is. Forget Whole 30, this diet is way more selective. For the first couple of days, the only thing you’re allowed to consume is 2-3 ounces of broth or strained cream soup at a time. Cons of this include a high cost along with the fact that it might be risky to do in your apartment.

6.) Carry a Gallon of Water Everywhere You Go:

Surely we’ve all seen the fitness freaks do this. They’re not douchey- they’re onto something. Statistics have proven that carrying a gallon of water everywhere you go and NOT DRINKING FROM IT causes expansive forearm growth to occur. Cons include accidentally throwing your gallon of water away in the Union’s visually appealing trash cans. Pros: you scream fitness.

5.) Excessive Dumps:

The easiest, most cost efficient way to lose weight is to crap it out. Three times a day will not cut it- 30 minute intervals is definitely is greatest way to achieve a body worth seeing. The best bathroom on campus is at the architecture library, so find it and live there.

4.) Anti-Gravity Machine:

The first step is to avoid fitness in general and buy an anti gravity machine. Second, place the anti gravity machine above your scale. After step 2 is complete, let everyone know that you lost “x” amount of pounds in preparation for spring break. Forget about not just going to Greg- Uber to your class at DKR, eat everyday at Panda Express, and even kick elderly people. What’s holding you back?

3.) Sleep with 4 Shirts On:

Sweat off the extra layer of fat by using this method. Sweat won’t just make you feel accomplished, it’ll change the way you live. When you sweat you feel like you’re exercising so it’s practically like you’re going to Greg. If you really want to dream big, do 5 shirts. Cons of this include having to wash sheets every night because of sweat stains from night before.

2.) Do not eat food:

One of the greatest ways to lose weight FAST is to simply not eat at all. The logic is so simple. It is backed by Barbie Dolls, as they place all their dolls on the diet for at least 4 weeks. The greatest people have done it: Jesus, Derek Zoolander, Rex Tillerson, and probably the Dalai Lama.

1.) Carboload:

The best place to get in shape isn’t on a treadmill, pull up bar, or lap pool. It’s at Olive Garden having breadstick eating contests with your frat bros. Carb Loading is proven to be effective for the world’s greatest athletes. So if you’re not feeling that last idea, this might be the option for you.

All are great options, so find the one that works best for you. Remember, what starts here changes the world, so go forth and get the body you want.

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