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8 Better Uses of Longhorn Money Than the Millions Spent on a Damn Locker Room

Last week, Texas coach Tom Herman unveiled the football team’s new upgraded locker room to much fanfare and hype. At a cost of about $8,700 each, every locker comes complete with 43” flat screen monitors and loads of new equipment. Obviously, the university faces much more daunting problems than those poor wittle football players having to deal with what were above-average lockers, so here are 8 better ways to throw away thousands of dollars other than on a team that will struggle to even reach 6 wins:


8.) Give all the cash to Red McCombs:

If there’s one thing affluent folks love, it’s all the money they can possibly hoard. You can do your part to help poor ole Red by paying for his next gold-plated yacht. Just like how rich schools like Texas can use money to grow the talent disparity of college football, so can wealthy folks in real life, but instead of Idaho State having to rely on one star recruits, poor people get to starve to death. Capitalism!


7.) Pay people to leave this city:

Holy Christ, there’s too many folks in this god-forsaken city. Gentrification has sent housing prices skyward for everyone, traffic is unbearable, and worst of all, these Californians are ruining the great hippie traditions of Austin with their kale and gluten-free cheeseburgers. If that football money is going to be used for anything good, it should be to depopulate this great town.


6.) Bribe all the gate attendants at sporting events to allow alcohol into the stadium:

Please, Fenves, grant us an escape from this:


5.) Buy some chairs for the West Mall preachers:

Every so often, some devout preacher tries to share the Word of God with all those who pass by, even if they are too busy going to class to pay attention. All that standing and yelling must be tiresome, so it’s still a mystery why the UT Athletic Department opted to not spend any of its money on some chairs to alleviate the leg cramps these poor instruments of Our Lord might experience.


4.) Develop a supervirus just powerful enough to keep people sick for extended periods of time, thus making them drop their classes and granting you a way into that RTF class you’ve had your eye on:

Narrative Strategies and Media Design always intrigued you as a class to take, but unfortunately you aren’t a radio-TV-film major. However, with enough money and research, you can develop a supervirus that makes everyone sick. Once everyone misses the first week of class and has to drop, the door will open for you to finally work your way into becoming the next Wes Anderson.


3.) Purchase an indulgence from the Catholic Church in order to ensure your entrance into Heaven:

Football is a religion in Texas, but unfortunately not the one that gets you into Heaven (probably). If you’re worried about that part, you can head down to any of the pristine Catholic Churches on Martin Luther Boulevard and hand over lumps of cash in exchange for a guarantee to spend the afterlife amongst the clouds. While technically outlawed by the Church in the 16th century, you could probably find a priest sleazy enough to get this done.


2.) Do something lame like give to charity:

If you want to do your part to make society stay the same while you feel marginally better, then you can just give your money to good causes like fighting polio or something.


1.) We don’t know, maybe give to the students that actually pay money to be here:

Most students have to go heavily into debt just to attend college, so seeing things like athletes receiving the best tend to irk the UT populace. Scholarships and cheaper tuition might seem boring and lame, and that’s because they are. However, a student body that doesn’t have to worry so much about going into debt can leave more time for the important things in life, like getting plastered on 6th and worrying about disappointed parents.


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