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8 Things That Will Happen Before Dunkin’ Donuts Actually Opens

Ever since you first came to the summer orientation before your freshman year, it’s been there, taunting you with its existence. Now, years later, it’s still there, almost untouched from when you first laid eyes on UT’s biggest tease: that Dunkin’ Donuts on Guad. It’s been under construction for years now, and there are no signs of it finishing soon. With that in mind, here are eight things more likely to happen during your time at UT than enjoying a cheaply-made iced coffee while rushing to class:


8.) Guadalupe actually gets repaired:

Boy, there’s nothing better than driving around in West Campus. With all the potholes and construction going on, it’s a miracle you don’t have to buy new tires every weekend. There’s no way any of this gets fixed, since the city of Austin knows you won’t leave the only convenient living spaces near campus. When you think about it, this is lowkey reverse gentrification. Huh. Either way, it won’t do anything to open up that DD.


7.) You find that internship:

It’s been three years, but any minute now you’ll put in an application for a fall internship or whatever. Do you know where to apply or what you even want to do? Not a clue, but you’re sure these things tend to sort themselves out at the last minute. At least wherever you do intern, they won’t make you get coffee for everyone since Dunkin’ will still be under construction.


6.) Your friend shuts up about their semester abroad:

Driving. Eating out. Talking to people. What doesn’t remind Ryan about his trip to Europe? Wow, they call it a “cinema” in England? How rad! If only you could remind him of the glories of American consumerism, but alas, there are no low-cost doughnut vendor franchises open on The Drag just yet.


5.) Austinites stop making half-assed jokes about traffic:

“Boy this traffic sure is bad!” “Gee whiz I’d sure hate to be stuck on 35 right now!” God, these formulaic jokes have spread like the plague, to the point where it’s the only thing outsiders even know about this place. We’re not even saying the subject matter should be off limits, but Jesus Christ, please come up with some more original jokes.


4.) A liberal arts freshman successfully transfers into McCombs:

McCombs might be the one of the most prestigious business schools in the country, but the fact that it’s mostly comprised of the bratty trust fund offspring of successful mega rich donors, the odds of a lowly undeclared or liberal arts freshman getting accepted are lower than the odds of you getting insured under TrumpCare. To add on to their despair, there will be no iced lattes available for these rejects to drown these newfound sorrows in.


3.) UT football wins a bowl game:

The one thing everyone on campus cares about, the prestigious Longhorn football team, just so happens to be so abysmally god-awful that it’s now on its third head coach in five years. While everyone grew up associating Texas with the elite of college football, now we’re just lucky to see them win six games in a season. Considering the last bowl win came in 2012, it wouldn’t be surprising to find out Tom Herman is incapable of bringing Texas back to prominence, much like how no amount of 99-cent donuts can cover the feelings of emptiness inside Longhorn fans nationwide.


2.) Betsy DeVos cancels all unpaid student debt:

Dunkin’ Donuts better hurry up and open.


1.) Graduation:

What would be a more epic troll than you never getting to enjoy the wondrous glazed cherubs that are DD’s signature donuts, since it ends up opening up immediately after you graduate? Much like the hopeless measurer of the anchor-throwing competition in that episode of SpongeBob, the opening of Dunkin’ Donuts depends entirely on when you graduate. City higher-ups have been waiting for years for you to leave so that they can green light its opening as a final act of retribution against you.


As you can see, it remains imperative for you to graduate as soon as possible, not only to minimize the amount of money you owe from student loans, but also so that the rest of us can enjoy the tantalizing treats of one of America’s great donut franchises. So load up on summer classes, devote yourself to your studies, and for the love of god just graduate, you selfish jackass.

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