AUSTIN — During a press conference today, Yum! Brands introduced its new Everclear Empanadas to be sold in Austin’s Taco Bell Cantina location, immediately sending its stock soaring 420%.
In Austin, the news was met with thunderous applause and much rejoicing, especially for UT junior finance major and Mexican culture aficionado, Ethan McHernandez.
“I’ve always thought of Taco Bell as a great place to not starve on a budget of $3.50, but now that I know they have alcohol here, I can’t wait to blow my savings by pregaming all my classes.”
Taco Bell Cantinas have become famous for serving alcohol alongside their cuisine, and while many places around UT serve alcohol as well, the TBC on Guad has quickly proved to be the hallmark of cheap college drinking campus wide.
“Any time you and your broskis want to pregame a UT swim meet or get wasted before a Young Conservatives meeting, Taco Bell Cantina is the place to go,” slurred a clearly intoxicated McHernandez whilst waddling down the Drag in the midnight hour. “And now that they have these Everclear Empanadas, it’s become possible to get drunk as hell while also providing your body with the bare minimum to sustain itself.”
While the introduction of Taco Bell’s newest trip to Flavortown has most sprinting to the nearest TCB, there remain many idiots who cannot accept good things that come their way.
“Taco Bell has long been a place to celebrate my 1/32 Hispanic heritage, but the introduction of these Everclear Empanadas just celebrates the exploitation of my people,” said linguistics major Jane Smith as she fondly admired West Mall’s Cesar Chavez statue.
“Now that our species has become capable of combining the greatest alcohol with the greatest of Tex-Mex, what other wonders are we capable of,” wondered a piss-drunk McHernandez, running off momentarily to the restrooms and puke up the topic of this exposé. Upon returning, he asked, “What more can humanity serve up? Lemon-flavored M&M’s? Doritos Locos Wine? Pomegranate spaghetti? I await the next innovations in human gastronomy with great pleasure.”
When reached for comment, a Taco Bell spokesperson simply responded that all modernization begins with a simple yearning for something better.
“People have always craved low-quality Mexican food, but few had the courage to serve horse meat in their tacos like we did. That same innovation was applied here by somebody simply asking, ‘What could possibly make our eating experience give people the worst diarrhea possible?’”
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