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Avid Bird Rider Must Learn How to Walk Again for Graduation

Weeks ago, UT Austin students woke up to find mysterious electric scooters all over West Campus. It is unclear where these scooters came from but what is clear is that UT is in love with them. Known as Birds, these scooters are taking the 40 Acres by storm.

Not only are the scooters highly accessible and easy to use but they are cheap and fun as well. However, some students are becoming too dependent on the Birds in order to go get to class, go home, or really go anywhere.

We found that one student’s dependence on Birds has become a serious issue. Ross, a senior MIS major, opened up about how he has become reliant on Birds for transportation.

“As soon as I got on my first Bird, I was overwhelmed with joy. Walking is so hard and time consuming, Birds just make life so much easier. Most days I take a Bird to class, take a Bird home, take a Bird to meetings, and take a Bird out on the town with friends,” said Ross.

After talks with his roommates Josh and Andrew, it was revealed that the situation was much worse than previously thought.

“Ross brings home a Bird everyday. He will literally Bird around the apartment and it’s really annoying. He will Bird from his room to the bathroom or the kitchen and back. I haven’t seen him walk anywhere in weeks. In fact, I don’t even know if he remembers how.”

After realizing this, we approached Ross again on the phone to discover the true severity of his dependence. After asking him if he could walk, he replied with “Why would I need to walk, walking is for people without iPhones.” More abrasive measures had to be taken.

We went to his apartment this past week and asked him if he could stand for us. After much back and forth, he finally agreed and shakily rose to his feet with one foot in front of the other. When asked why he was standing that way, he replied that it felt natural. We then asked him to walk across the room. After his second step he collapsed and started crying profusely.

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“I don’t know how to walk anymore! I haven’t done it in so long. Where’s my Bird! Where’s my fucking Bird,” he cried.

We also discovered he had recently approached the Dean of Students with a peculiar request: to Bird down the aisle at graduation instead of walking. After being rejected due to safety reasons, he vowed to make a change in his life.

Since our discovery, Ross has been taking part in daily physical therapy and cut down to using two Birds a day. He now has the walking skill of a toddler and can stand with his feet parallel to each other for short periods of time. He stated, “Birds are really fun and convenient, but I need to be able to walk down the aisle at graduation. I need to make a change.”

If you are addicted to Birds or know someone who has a problem, please call the University Health Center at 512-471-4955. Several similar instances of Bird Dependence or BD have been cited around West Campus. Birds seem like a harmless, fun improvement to daily lives, but if used incorrectly can have serious consequences.

This article is brought to you by Lime S- The Superior Scooter.

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