Booze Review: Canadian Club Whisky

author-pic at Texas Austin  

Finals week is just around the corner, so you know what that means – time to get lost in the bottom of a bottle of whisky. While your test might not go well, you can ensure that your drinking does by avoiding Canadian Club Whisky at all costs. Like everything from Canada, it’s pretty similar to its American counterpart, except that it’s worse in literally every way.

Grade: D+

Smells Like:

Canada is extremely liberal with most things, including the term “premium whisky.” Soary, eh?

Tastes Like:

You need to start a “U-S-A!” chant to redeem yourself from this disgusting, socialist beverage.

Typical Drinkers:

– Minnesotans, because let’s be honest, they’re basically Canadians.

– People trying to kill the time between the long waits at the clinics covered under the universal healthcare system.

– Hockey teams that can’t afford a physical trainer to treat them between periods.

– People that know nothing about whiskey and are in for a horrible night out.

User Comments:

– “Ew, gross. The clubs in Canada must be terrible if they’re the namesake for this crap.”

– “Eh, it’s 2 degrees Celsius out, boys. Beautiful day for a darty, don’t cha think?”

– “What’s premium about a whisky that comes in a plastic bottle? Nothing, that’s what! I’ll sue Canada for false advertising.”

– “Well it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever put in my body. And I’ve put a lot worse shit into my body.”

Best Described as a Drink Superior to:

Maybe Yugoslavian whiskey, if there ever was such a thing. Of course, it’s not a country anymore and if we’re lucky, Canada will go down the same path.

Has Anything Good Come Out of Canada?:

Only the Canadians that emigrated to America and became U.S. citizens. Oh, and Rush. Those guys rock.

Why Rag on Canada? America Isn’t Doing So Hot Right Now?:

Oh, sorry, we couldn’t hear you from the moon and  from behind all our Olympic gold medals.

We Mixed It With:

Maple syrup because that sounds like something they’d do up North.