COLA Career Fair Features Single Unemployment Benefits Table

author-pic at Texas Austin  

In order to accommodate its graduating students, UT College of Liberal Arts surprised many by only booking a table for the Texas Workforce Commission’s Unemployment Benefits Services for their career fair.

“Our intent was to provide students with an excellent but realistic resource they can use upon graduation,” mentioned COLA spokeswoman Shelley McShay as she passed out printed copies of a Buzzfeed article entitled “15 Jobs That Don’t Require a College Degree” to bewildered students in the Union ballroom.

As a response to the career fairs that UT colleges like Moody, Cockrell, and McCombs put together, COLA attempted to string something together for its students. When the only companies to respond were the Chick-fil-A on MLK and Vert’s Mediterranean Grill, the organizers realized that no jobs paying more than $10 an hour would be offered to liberal arts majors.

“While there may not be many job offers for someone with an undergrad degree in Russian, East European, and Eurasian studies, there remain many exciting prospects for your future, like dropping all social contacts and giving up fun to write a graduate thesis or going to graduate school in an employable field,” explained McShay as she passed out fliers explaining exactly what business casual means.

When asked for comment, senior geography major Magic Johnfather broke down in tears and began to sob uncontrollably.

“I chose a liberal arts major because geography seemed cool at the time, and I didn’t want to sell out for some soul-crushing job,” wept Johnfather as he attempted to update his disappointing LinkedIn profile with something that could land him a career with a livable wage. “Now I’m going to have to market myself on some made-up skills like ‘critical thinking’ and ‘analysis,’ whatever those are supposed to mean.”

“Liberal arts majors serve an important function; they are the lifeblood of this university,” noted McShay. “And by that, I mean that UT would go bankrupt if we couldn’t sucker 10,000 students out of tuition money every year.”

At press time, students noticed multiple tables in the corner of the career fair featuring federal agencies like the FBI and DEA, but quickly moved on, noting that they would rather go unemployed than “become a nark.”