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Freshman Blames Exam Failure on Junior Hiding UT Albino Squirrel

Last week, UTPD conducted an investigation following a tip from a freshman claiming that a legendary UT albino squirrel had been purposely hidden in order to prevent everyone from doing well on midterms.

Freshman Michael Walters explains that while he wasn’t intentionally looking for the squirrel, he had hoped to see it before going to take his first midterm of the semester. “Look, I’m not saying I didn’t study, but I was kind of counting on a combination of beginner’s luck and seeing the damn squirrel to help me out,” he explains while he scans the South Mall lawn with a pair of binoculars. “I may have skipped a few classes, but I did learn stuff. I’m pretty sure this guy wanted to screw everyone over and hid it.” When asked to elaborate on the “stuff” he had learned, Walters pretended not to hear the question.

The squirrel at the center of the investigation is thought to be a good omen around the Forty Acres, even considered important enough to have its own page on UT’s official website. Students have often claimed to do well on exams after catching a glimpse of the squirrel and when midterms roll around, they can be seen wandering around campus with a handful of sunflower seeds, hoping to lure the little creature over to them.

However, the squirrel’s fun purpose on campus has started to be taken too seriously by some students, specifically freshman, as they believe a school as prestigious as UT wouldn’t be involved in something as absurd as a fake, magic squirrel. As a result, they’ve come to rely heavily on the squirrel, choosing to trade knowledge of the material for the help of a small white rodent.

Walters tells us that he’d heard an upperclassman in one of his classes saying that he intended to catch the squirrel so that freshmen wouldn’t be able to revel in its mysterious powers of granting exam luck.

“Yeah, I hid it,” the accused student, Brad Anderson, tells us. “I didn’t see it at all my freshman year, so why should anyone else? I think I’m helping people out. Failing an exam is a rite of passage at UT, everyone should experience it at least once. It humbles a lot of the over-confident students. And at the end of the day, it’s a squirrel, not a wizard.”

Anderson has since released the squirrel, though Walters believes he should face expulsion for tampering with the UT legend. “It’s not enough, I’ve finished all of my exams and my grades are shit. It’s not fair that he got all that luck for himself.”  

UTPD released a statement following the investigation of the squirrel’s disappearance, informing students that while exam luck was once again available to the public, they should also consider more traditional methods of passing exams, such as attending class and studying.

President Fenves also responded to the incident by laughing at Walters’ desperate decision to get the police involved and then offering Longhorn-engraved binoculars at the Co-op for only $99.95.


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