AUSTIN—In an emergency message to all students and faculty Wednesday afternoon, UT President Greg Fenves efficiently saved boatloads of time by announcing the death of the notorious Austin Bomber before detailing a $5 hike in transcript fees, both in the same email.
“What we want to communicate to students is that brevity matters above all else” said Fenves in his follow-up Facebook update, a 300 word essay describing the heroic efforts of APD and UTDP in protecting the community that also gauged readers on potential names for a new basketball arena. “We feel that safety is paramount for a campus on alert, which is why we decided to save them the time of having to read two separate emails. That extra thirty seconds they’d use to press the ‘Next’ button could instead save a person’s life who would otherwise walk into a wall or develop carpal tunnel from excessive finger activity.”
This update comes in the same week as a controversial university email that rubbed some people the wrong way. In it, Fenves updated students as to recent efforts UTPD had utilized in order to maintain a safe environment on campus before devoting the next three paragraphs to announcing a new two percent increase on next year’s tuition.
“When you’re the president of such a large university like UT, there’s just so much going on all at once,” added Fenves. “So I, myself needed to make the most of my precious time. That’s why I decided to just abandon all regard for the emotional context of the community and just pass everything off at once like it’s no big deal.”
When asked for comment on the situation, APD chief Jean-Claude Van Darn suggested that Fenves could have handled the situation better.
“The way he followed up such an emotional update with a statement on tuition was in pretty bad taste,” noted Van Darn before sharing some cute fifth grade photos of the bomber with media. “That’s why he should have reeled them in with the tuition notification first and then BAM! Hit ‘em with that safety update.”
At press time, Fenves has come under additional fire after the revelation that the computer used to send out these emails was actually the now-unused wheelchair of Stephen Hawking.
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