SANASANA, FIJI- While relaxing in the shade of a palm tree just off the edge of Natadola Beach, University of Texas at Austin President Gregory Fenves reportedly spent hours on end deliberating through the many ways the university’s tuition should be increased.
“Hm…should I upgrade buildings that need repair, like Parlin or Waggener? No, that won’t get me a raise,” mumbled a discontented Fenves while watching his wife and children experience the vast beauty of exotic beaches. “I’ve got it! Let’s just give out more bonuses to the faculty!”
This ill-timed reflection follows on th . Even though this measure will increase the burden of payment on working and middle class families, President Fenves has yet to comment publicly on this topic.
“Now I just need to find out how I can keep raising tuition before the public finds out. You know, like a scam of some sort,” plotted Fenves as he set his Bahama Mama cocktail down so that he could rub his hands together and laugh maniacally. “Soon I will have enough money to rule the world, or at least afford a four bedroom apartment in Austin for my family to live in.”
While the decision to increase tuition has rightfully been met with disdain by most students, there are those who refuse to let this affect their loyalty to the university.
“As a member of the UT Greek community, I find it highly offensive that people would protest such a benign decision that I never have to stress over since my parents will just continue to pay for everything,” said Alpha Sigma Pi member Chad McNeil. “Since I have been conditioned to passively accept all orders from authority figures, I can see no reason why people should get upset at this.”
“I will not rest until every student that attends this prestigious and historic university will have to enter bankruptcy in order to merely pay for tuition,” announced Fenves while going over his plan once more to the hooded figure he was FaceTiming. “Then Phase One will be complete, and they’re all yours, Mrs. DeVos.”
When reached for comment, Mrs. Fenves could only sigh at the though of her husband wasting away their vacation time doing work stuff.
“I sure do wish he would put away his phone and laptop so that he could actually enjoy the wonders of family life and such, but alas, he just cannot stop working on that plot of his to impoverish the masses and create a new society of bricked walkways where our roads once stood.”