AUSTIN—In one of the most important breakthroughs of our time, COLA students in E 379R: Useless Discoveries in Pop Culture have successfully unearthed every instance of Judeo-Christian imagery in the much-anticipated film A Quiet Place despite having absolutely no future career prospects.
“For me, this will truly be the crowning achievement of my life,” said senior English major James Calwhom as he received yet another rejection email from a company he applied to. “Not because dissecting the scene where John Krasinski murders the monsters with a crucifix has any outstanding merit, but merely because this will be the only thing I can look back on with pride in ten years as I stand in the unemployment line to feed my starving family.”
With graduation coming up shortly, many seniors have begun to stress over finding a job. For liberal arts majors especially, the prospect of having a real job lined up despite absolutely no technical training seems daunting at best.
Professor Adequate Will-Hunting assigned the project, a five-page essay asking for the relationship between religious symbolism and why John Krasinski didn’t marry Jenna Fischer in real life, in an effort to cheer up his morbid students.
“I was just hoping to clear these youngsters’ minds with a thoughtful analysis of looking into why a first-time director like Krasinski would choose to shoulder the burden of making this film by acting, directing and writing such a masterpiece, much like how our lord and savior Jesus shouldered the weight of Life of Brian’s box office success.”
“I chose a liberal arts major because English seemed really cool at the time, and I didn’t want to sell out for some soul-crushing job,” wept Calwhom as he attempted to update his disappointing LinkedIn profile with something, anything, that could land him a career paying a livable wage. “I’ll have to market myself on some made-up skills like ‘critical thinking’ and ‘analysis,’ whatever those are supposed to mean, but at least I know that the flying Komodo dragon that saves everybody at the end is actually a reference to the Geryon from Dante’s Inferno.”
At press time, Calwhom’s LinkedIn profile has been lit tf up with employers interested in hiring him after the senior submitted an essay for another class analyzing the similarities between Percy Shelley’s Romantic poetry and Pitbull’s romantic songwriting.
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