UT’s Family Weekend is around the corner and if your parents are coming down this weekend, you’re probably stressing about what they may or may not find out about your college life. You’ve probably been lying to them about how much you study, but when they see the 58 on your latest exam, they’re going to start questioning all the bullshit you’ve told them. Obviously, you want to keep them in the dark about what you’ve been doing, so here are 5 reasons to give your parents about why you failed your UT midterms.
5.) “The system is rigged against me”:
Nothing works like a pity party. If your parents are the type that blindly support your decisions because they love you, this is the perfect excuse. Once you start on how your professor just doesn’t like you (maybe suggest it’s because of your race), they’ll be just as worked up as you and continue to enable your bad behavior. They don’t even have to know that the reason your professor doesn’t like you is because you drunkenly emailed them to send nudes at 4:37 a.m.
4.) “My essay was too complex for the subject matter”:
Now, we all know that’s bullshit. You probably wrote that essay the night before the due date while you were taking Fireball shots in your kitchen with some random people your roommate brought home. But if you’re parents live in West Lake or have that “I’m better than you” attitude, they’ll probably just take your word for it. They’ll actually be proud of you, because if a college with a reputation for bragging about its rankings doesn’t have the capability of understanding your essay, you’re even smarter than they thought. Just don’t let them see the essay because they’ll notice that you misspelled “modernism” in your thesis.
3.) “College might not be for me”:
A good option is to go extreme and tell them UT’s liberal crowd opened your eyes to the evils of higher education, and you decided you’d rather travel and be free rather than become another cog in the machine of capitalism. They’ll ask how you plan to pay for it and you’ll say, “Well, I was hoping my college fund could go to this. Life experiences are way more valuable than any college degree.” No parents want their kid to drop out of college to pursue a guaranteed-to-fail plan. They’ll beg you to stay in school and you’ll pretend that you’re doing them a favor by giving up on your dreams. This will only work with easily manipulated parents, so if you’re willing to take advantage of their good-heartedness, use this excuse.
2.) “I’m afraid to be successful”:
It’s a longshot, but you must make it seem like you’re having an existential crisis. If you have that weird relationship with your parents where you can talk openly about your sex life or your political views, this could work. You’ll have to do a bit of acting though; continuously stare out into the distance when you’re with your parents and try to work in the inevitability of death into every conversation. Show them Speedway’s crumbling bricks and tell them how they accurately reflect your inner turmoil and overall weakness under pressure. If all goes well, you can continue to get shitty grades and your parents will send you care packages to help you get through the rough patch.
1.) “UT’s football season has been really hard on me”:
This will work on almost every parent of UT students. The success of the football team has always been a huge part of UT’s image and self-worth, so they’ll just take it as intense school spirit on your part and maybe give you a slap on the wrist. The best part is, it’s not a lie. This season has really taken a toll on all of us.
Whether it’s football or the system, your parents are guaranteed to believe these excuses, oops we mean legit reasons, that you tanked your midterms this semester.