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Oh Great, Another Corporate Coffee Shop Opens on the Drag

AUSTIN–Amid a bevy of sighs and looks of disappointment, students across the Forty Acres reportedly expressed discontent with the opening of the much-anticipated Dunkin’ Donuts location off the Drag.

“At first, I was kind of excited to find out that campus was getting a new location for mediocre breakfast foods, but then it took over two years to build the thing,” said UT archaeology major John Schmoggins. “But now that it’s been built, it’s just kind of like, what’s so great about another place that sells coffee in Austin?”

The new locale of the illustrious Dunkin’ Donuts, located off Guad and 24th Street, became the topic of much ridicule after it took almost two years for the franchise to open, despite the building already existing. Much hype was created over such a hilarious mismanagement of planning, even though there’s an Einstein Bros and Ken’s Donuts just down the street.

“Like, do we even need a DD on the Drag? This is Austin, one of the most diverse cities in America,” said Schmoggins as he perused the Drag for a place that sold any sort of fried chicken. “There could be some interesting, authentic replacement, and people would actually want to go there. But no, they chose the boring Starbucks rip-off.”

While most around the UT area feel a mere sense of disappointment, some business owners have expressed hatred toward Dunkin’ and the City of Austin for allowing more competition into the area.

“These corporate wise guys walk onto my turf, and they think they’ll just get aways with it, huh,” exclaimed Ken’s Donuts owner Sunket “Ken” Snod as he stealthily placed a box marked ‘arson supplies’ out of view. “Well, I’ll tells you like I tells’d them, there’s only room for one roach-infested donut establishment near this campus.”

“UT eating choices are just too oversaturated,” said Schmoggins, yearning for a restaurant on Guad capable of selling pizza. “We’ve got Qdoba and Chipolte for constipation, Medici and Starbucks for diarrhea, and now we have so many breakfast places competing for the highest priced donuts.”

At press time, UT president Greg Fenves released a statement that voiced concerns for the new Dunkin’, declaring that “you can’t trust a restaurant to make high-quality food if they’re too lazy to even spell out their entire name.”

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