AUSTIN– Amid reports that the West Campus location of Plucker’s Wing Bar was packed to the density of a minor neutron star with folks trying to watch the Super Bowl, senior management has been tasked with handling the situation.
“There’s so many people here today, more than there usually are,” explained headwaiter Millard Fillmore VI, as he had to squeeze his way through just the wait line in order to clock in. “Normally for big games, Plucker’s is just a normal overcrowded fire hazard, but this looks like the Hillsborough disaster.”
Plucker’s, known for its adequate wings and an array of televisions across its seating area, has come under fire in recent years for not being a large enough venue to host the massive crowds that frequent during big games.
“In anticipation for the Super Bowl, we had all sorts of precautions set up,” said Fillmore VI as he now approached the kitchen with the help of a police riot shield. “In the hopes of having less people show up, we tried putting out fliers that the Super Bowl had been postponed to Monday, but it looks like that didn’t work.”
When asked to leave because his table had finished eating well over an hour ago, Plucks patron and local die-hard Patriots fan since 2012 Irish O’Toole allegedly became very irate.
“Shut up man, you’re just hating on us Pats fans because you’re all jealous,” an intoxicated and truly friendless O’Toole yelled at the server making maybe $6 in a good hour, before turning to the rest of the over-packed sports pub. “You’re all just hating on the G.O.A.T., Tom Brady. It’s obvious you hate the Pats because of their success, and not because of anything tangible, like the multiple times they’ve been caught cheating, their irksome fans or just how smug everyone on that team is.”
“Look, y’all, I get that it’s fun to come out here to enjoy a game every once and awhile,” said Fillmore VI as the unlucky waiter “But Jesus, there’s so many other places you can watch the Super Bowl at: go to a friend’s house, visit one of the other 700 bars in the Austin area, or watch it alone in a dark dorm room, I don’t care. Just leave me alone.”
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