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Raise in Transcript and Tuition Price to Fund Bullet Train From West Campus to 6th Street

Recently UT passed legislation to increase tuition by 3% and to double the price of transcripts for UT students. Although this may have seemed like another University cash grab, after this past Friday’s press conference with President Greg Fenves it was revealed that the money generated from these price increases is actually going to fund a project with that both faculty and students can get behind: a bullet train from West Campus to Sixth Street.

Students were ecstatic to hear the news. Brian, a Finance major stated “Wow, do we have some apologies to give to the big boys up in the tower.” After months of complaining about having to fork over increasing amounts of money for transcripts and raising tuition prices, students can rest assured that Fenves and UT legislators do have their best interests at heart.

A recent press release from Fenves breaks down the plan for the bullet train. Although construction has already begun, many are confused how UT can afford the $2 billion price tag of a brand-new bullet train and how the City of Austin is allowing the train to be installed.

Charging twenty dollars per transcript times around 50,000 students’ plus tuition increases is more than enough for UT to build a 1.5-mile track and brand new bullet train. Steve Adler, the mayor of Austin, stated the increased revenue stream from students going to Sixth will cover most of the project’s costs within months and that the bullet train fits perfectly with Austin’s goal to be one the most forward thinking and tech savvy cities in the world.

Even so, some students are complaining that the money could’ve been put toward improving infrastructure on campus, finishing the Speedway, or several other pressing issues for UT. Nolan, a Sociology major, stated “Even if we use the money for UT, there are so many people, even in the local community that are starving and need help. We could fix all of Austin’s homelessness with that money.”

However, another student, Isaac argued that “Although those issues are important, let’s face it, figuring out how to use the city busses to get to Sixth after a solid pregame is like trying to figure out Blockchain and paying for Ubers and Lyfts was like buying Pluckers without a 5 free wings coupon.”

On top of the trip being free with a UT student ID, each train car will have an open bar and a DJ. In addition, the bullet train will be true to its name. If a creepy guy tries to follow girls home on the train, each bartender and DJ is equipped with a semi-automatic rifle in true Texas fashion. Just notify one of the bullet train employees and that creepy guy will be kicked off the train.

Students will no longer have to worry about forgetting something at home. Need to grab a jacket from your apartment? No worries, traveling at 375 mph, the trip should only take about 15 seconds. You’ll be back DT in under a minute! Raj, a student who frequents Sixth street, stated “Sometimes I forget my phone or wallet in my apartment which makes getting home and buying drinks a pain. With the bullet train I will be able to go back and forth easily if I forget something or if I need to drop a friend off who is too drunk to function on Sixth.”

Michael, another student stated “The bullet train will allow Sixth Street hookups to skip that awkward Uber ride home and let me get down to business as fast as possible. I might even be able to get back to the bars before the night is over!”

All in all, a majority of the UT and Austin community look forward to the completion of the bullet train.

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