It’s that time of year when we eat candy like were children, get plastered on Jell-O shots, and dress up as something we’re not. However, local sorority girl, Melissa Rogers, got lots of sideways stares when she took the concept of a costume too far and was seen bouncing around in her “slutty Indian princess dress” at a party.
“Some girls in the house were a little shocked when she came out of the bathroom with red Native American style face paint on, but Melissa has always been really artistic,” stammered Rogers’ big, Kaitlynn Crawford, whose eyes darted around the room looking for excuses for her little’s costume. “You know, Melissa always has the best intentions, she would never do anything that might offend someone. Her family donates to a Lakota reservation for crying out loud!”
Despite the liberal leanings of her school, which threatens to give Berkeley a run for its money, no one was truly shocked to see Rogers dressed as a hyper-sexualized Native American princess, but the outfit did turn heads. Complete with a headdress made of eagle feathers in the traditional Sioux style, Rogers was spotted twerking in a tan fringed tube top and matching fringed super mini skirt with turquoise beaded jewelry, hand-made by underpaid child laborers in Vietnam, bouncing around. Rogers tallied all the eyes glued to her in her phone.
“I knew I looked hot when I finished getting ready for all the Halloween parties,” Rogers glowed with genuine surprise and complete obliviousness, “but I didn’t know I looked THAT hot. I even have straight girls and gay guys staring at me!” While re-braiding her bleached extensions, Rogers batted her European eyes and humbly sighed, “I guess everyone just wants me.”
Another partygoer, and self-proclaimed cyber activist and influencer, Kim Kozov, informed us for over five hours (but not Rogers) about all the ways Rogers had truly fucked up with her costume, and the real reason why everyone was staring at her.
“I can’t even with her,” Kozov exhaled with intense exasperation and disdain. “I can’t believe she would be that obtuse to use a culture as a costume. Actually, I can. But like, still,” Kozov eloquently explained to us before venting on her Tumblr.
“It will be hard to top this year’s costume,” Rogers reflected while still under the impression everyone was staring at her because she is just that sexy. “But, I think next year I’ll dress up as a slutty illegal immigrant. My boyfriend has the perfect sombrero.”
At the time of publication, it was reported by inside sources that Melissa Rogers still didn’t get it, and no one had the balls to tell her.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.